Tag: high school

smoosh post

Well, it seems there hasn’t been much to post about lately. Pretty sad when the last thing I had to say was my answers to the Friday Five. Arrrgh. Don’t get me wrong, there’s always something going on in my life… but I don’t feel the obsessive need to tell my… my one reader all the sordid details. Hehe – sordid. (pause) Then time goes by, and I just don’t feel like dredging up all the details.

Well, I guess I’ll just smoosh a whole bunch of stuff together into one entry, instead of cleverly arranging my tidings into aptly-named entries. That’s just too much work for me right now. And I can’t believe I haven’t given so much as a thought to Christmas shopping! Until now, that is…

Well, today I got my kitties fixed. There was NO possible way I was taking them to my regular vet, not after they charged me $80 to check their eyes. Good grief. It was $65 for each cat at the discount spay/neuter shelter right here in town, and I saved up my cleaning money for a month. It was so hard not to spend it! I had to take some ones out for the Newport bridge though – hehe, Nikki. I’m so poor (relatively speaking, of course – the “luxuries,” you understand)!

Anyhoo… I filled out a form for each cat this morning, and when I brought them to the mobile vet trailer and handed them the cat carriers, the vet came out and said – your cats are both GIRLS. HUH?!?! Now, in case you don’t recall the continuing cat saga – when I first got the cats from the shelter, I was told they were both boys; my vet FELT THEM BOTH UP and said that one of them was in fact a girl (hence the name change, and the added exclamation: great! – now I have to worry about them gettin’ jiggy with it… or is that a reference to drugs?); now they’re both girls?! Needless to say, I was confused… and told the guy as much. I mentioned the little tidbit about my vet, and he said, “I’d like to know what she was feeling.” HA! Well, he did in fact work on their reproductive organs today, so I guess his word is gospel, as far as I’m concerned. So there you have it: I have two female cats!

The poor little things. They were tired and somewhat woozy, and their bums were slightly swaying as they walked… and kind of close to the ground. Very tentative. Whenever they tried to jump up, they kept falling down because they weren’t strong enough to pull themselves up – it was so endearing, and they were so confused as to why they couldn’t get up on the couch when they do it every day! At least my counters will get some peace tonight. *sigh* Their lower bellies are shaved – so cute! When I brought them home they kept sitting, hunched over, licking themselves… and falling asleep in that position! I wish I had the digital camera handy. Petra is currently sleeping under the covers – she doesn’t usually do that, but she seems cold and fragile this evening. [Stinky] Twinkie slept in my lap a good portion of the afternoon – I was in my element. I LOVE when the cats sit in my lap. Needless to say, it’s very quiet around here – and it’s nice for a change.

We had a high school “reunion,” if you can call it that. I keep feeling the need to use the quotes, even in my head. A bunch of old classmates got together – but it wasn’t by any means large scale. That’s fine, though. I went with Nichole and Micah because I didn’t know where the place was, didn’t know if Dan was going, and wanted to go with friends anyway. We were late because we had to run errands and – ironically – couldn’t find the place. Hehe. But all in all I had a great time – I was nervous at first, but managed to keep up conversations with a number of people. Wow, sometimes it just hits you how fast time is going and how old you really are! And of course… how little you (by that I mean “I”) have accomplished. *sigh* I ended up getting to bed after two in the morning, and totally sleeping all Sunday morning. Here are some pictures I took; Nikki has some better ones.

Ooh, on Thursday of last week Mom and I went to Becky’s Pampered Chef party. I had a great time, even after I realized I was the only one who didn’t know everyone else. Hehe. I finally got to meet Bugaboo (beautiful, if not totally spaz-tic, Bengal – didn’t get to see his cuddly side), Katherine (what gorgeous hair! And she totally looks like Matthew), and the Miller’s gorgeous pad (I love the green walls, candles… and of course tassels galore!). Not to mention – the Pampered Chef demonstration was fun, educational, and extremely yummy!

In other news: I am FINALLY getting a treadmill! I am SO excited. I’ve been extremely depressed about my expanding girth in unwelcome areas, and have been wanting a treadmill for ages. I could totally exercise for two hours while watching a movie – but can’t seem to just stand in front of the TV following an exercise DVD for an hour. And the weather hasn’t been the greatest for going outdoors. Keeping my fingers crossed that the excitement won’t wear off… and that I’ll be able to find a place to store it when I’m not using it.

Well, Thanksgiving approaches – and I’m having the whole gang over here. Woo-hoo. I’m looking forward to our tradition of telling what we’re thankful for – I’ll have to give that some thought. What are YOU thankful for? Have any unique holiday traditions? Eat anything besides turkey and cranberry sauce? God, I love food. *sigh*

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Jane’s baby shower

today as i was driving to providence to clean for my sister, i looked at all the cars driving along with me, and wondered how many of them i had seen before. think of it – sure, there are some cars you may recognize due to a particularly memorable license plate or bumper sticker, but what about the rest? what percentage have i potentially passed on the road before. maybe i pass many of them every day and don’t even know it.

last night i had an odd dream. i know what brought it on – over the weekend i went to my junior high friend jane’s baby shower (i can’t believe i’m saying that – it sounds so weird!); not only did she attend my old high school, but her parents live just down the street from its location in swansea. after – what? – nine years, i still know how to get there on my own. that’s scary. and i still get the familiar butterflies in my stomach as the building gets closer. hehe. i’m so glad i’m not in school anymore.

anyhoo… i dreamt i was back at neca, sitting in my mom’s english class. thing is, it was present time, and i was simply going back to school. of course, my mom doesn’t teach there anymore… but if i went back she would, too. that goes without saying. i was sitting in the front row, of course, and all the other kids were giving me strange looks. i had decided to go back to high school full-time because i had forgotten everything i learned. ha! now that part is true.

onto jane’s baby shower – it was lovely. i sure wish i could access my website and post a couple pictures – phooey! i was a little nervous because a) i hadn’t seen her in so long, and she is at such an important stage in her life, and b) i figured i wouldn’t know anyone else. but i had a grand ol’ time – i think one of my biggest problems is anticipation of an event, rather than the actual event itself. it was great seeing jane and talking to her, seeing her parents again, meeting some of the rest of her family and a few of her college friends. and the food that had been prepared – divine! i totally blew my diet in a matter of minutes. it was worth it, though. we watched the opening of the gifts (lots of “oohs” and “ahhs”) and played some fun games. jane, it was so good to see you. i wish you, micheal, and kj all the best. you’ll have to keep me posted!

friday five – past, present & future

1. 10 years ago what did you think you would be doing now?
oh gosh, nostaliga time. =deep sigh= i always thought anything after 20 was old. or, rather, not old, but adult. i guess i figured i would be grown-up, have more of a clue what i wanted to do with my life. *laughs* i at least envisioned my own apartment with plants in the windows, a cat or two, having possibly graduated from a cool career school (photography, culinary arts, cosmetology, something like that). i never would have imagined the reality that is.

2. Where do you think you will be in 5 years from now?
beats me! i’m just full of surprises, guess. actually, i have the sinking feeling that i will be in the exact same place, wondering where the hell all the time has gone by, thinking – shit, i’m 30, and i thought 20 was old! i hoped that my house would be finished after a couple years of marriage, but i don’t even have that. and the prospects for a family look even dimmer. the only thing i feel i can work on is myself, my job. how selfish and pathetic. but there you have it.

3. Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future.
both. i mean, i can only live one day at a time, but in doing so i think about the future. i hope, plan, pray. i also tend to look towards the past, wonder about that “what ifs” and all. it’s not healthy, but old habits die hard.

4. Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life?
ah… i don’t know about “undo,” but definitely “do over.” even though i don’t necessarily think i’m “wiser” (i still make the same stupid mistakes, end up in the same vicious cycles, never really make any progress, etc.), i wish i knew then some of the things i know now. as [the proverbial] they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” i guess some of the fun is not knowing how things will turn out, and of course not everything will turn out perfectly… but sometimes it feels like the little things make all the difference. one wrong turn, and you’re suddenly off in the wrong direction.

5. If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be?
i don’t know. anything. everything. nothing? would it matter. if that younger version of me hadn’t experienced any of this, would she even listen? when we’re little, people tell us to enjoy the time we have, because it won’t last. do we listen? no, we just want to grow up and be adults. i don’t know why – i hate responsibility, having to be all serious and stressed about all the things in the world.

just the other day, i was thinking about caramel cremes, and how when i was a little girl i gave one of those flat packages of caramel cremes and a penny to one of my older brothers as a gift when he was in the hospital for a broken leg – and it was such a great gift! i was so proud of myself. how naive. but how simple and heartfelt. i forget the line – nikki, maybe you can help me out – but in “little women” jo is lamenting the fact that everyone is growing up, changing, why things can’t stay as they are. sometimes i wish time would stand still, and i could live in that little sliver and not worry about deadlines or calories or weight or trying to please everyone and clean the house and make money and get all my shit together.

i don’t know that i’ve successfully learned any lessons worth imparting, even to a younger version of myself, but i would definitely persuade her to enjoy life to its fullest. and for goodness’ sake, high school is just one big phase. some of the things that could be considered trials turned out to be great learning experiences, so i don’t know how to extricate myself from those without learning those valuable lessons. but… i wish i could lighten up in many respects. dance-in-the-rain kind of mentality, belt your favorite tune no matter who’s listening, who’s watching. i know it’s just a saying, but cliche oftentimes rings the truest – “carpe diem.” take those chances. i care(d) too much what people think.

your heart will always hurt – you were right, you can’t really trust anyone. (pause) well, those that you can are few and far between. but precious – hold onto them. don’t lose touch with special friends… they matter too much, even if the relationship can survive the hibernation. no matter how many times you’ll shed tears over the future, you won’t believe how many more you’ll shed over the past if you fuck it up. don’t waste your time wishing for things that won’t bring fulfillment. try to derive your happiness from outside yourself, or it will never happen.

you are not a doormat – say it with me. you. are. not. a. doormat. louder! just because you want to make people happy, doesn’t mean you have to go along with whatever they want. you can say “no,” and it will be okay. they’ll live, you’ll be just fine, the world will keep on revolving. don’t let people take advantage of you – you’re better than that, even if you don’t like to admit it.

learn a foreign language now! take some of those classes while your parents will pay for them! hehe. i know, i know, the thought of more school sucks royally… but you’ll regret it later on if you don’t. and if, after all this, you still end up in the same place at the same time with the same circumstances… well, you tried. if you meet him… take your time. but there’s never enough time to begin with, is there? i’m still learning, too.

inspired by the friday five

ten years in the making

back in september of ’95, charlene gave me a blank journal. it’s very plain and simple, and has a claude monet painting on the front; it even came with some free monet postcards in the back, but i never used them. as much as i love to write – especially when things aren’t going well, as they so often are… er, aren’t? – it took me a while to fill the pages. perhaps because my written attentions were otherwise directed to my online journal, as well as to handwritten letters to various friends and acquaintances.

in any case, there is only one blank side of a page left, and i am wondering just what those last words will be. i went back to brewed by myself over the weekend, and sat for about an hour or so in one of the leather chairs, listening to my mp3 player, sipping a spiced chai, and jotting down my thoughts. i could have kept going, i suppose, but my wrist was aching and i didn’t feel like dwelling on those particular things anymore.

as painful as the process can be at times, i really enjoy flipping through the pages of this old book. i’ve always loved collecting/using stickers, and the front and and back pages are absolutely covered with a variety of them (added to as i came upon another i liked or someone gave me). interspersed throughout the text are colorful bandaids (unused, of course), drawings, inspirations quotes, pictures from magazines, articles, poems, haircut ideas, notes, unsent letters, postcards, tickets stubs, and even a story i started writing a long time ago. if it were put together in a more organized fashion, i would say it makes up an interesting little chronological scrapbook… but it’s so messy and haphazard, as it reflects my state of mind.

among the articles saved (and protected with leftover book covers from junior high) include one about the death of princess diana, and one about the passing of christopher letournea (jane’s cousin). it’s so odd to look back on these things, and vividly remember the day of the event, remember saving those items and what i felt at the time. brrr – makes me shiver.

it’s so strange to look back and see how i have… not necessarily “grown,” but “evolved,” as a person. so many things remain unchanged, but now i see things through the eyes of a slighter older, slightly more experienced person.

here’s my first-ever [extremely pathetic] entry:

september 23, 1995 – well, just today i got this “multi-purpose” book from charlene… charbug is such a sweetie! :) well, it’s about 9:30 p.m. on saturday, and we in fact just got off the phone with charlene! and just a couple seconds ago i started crying, because i miss char so much. whenever we all talk on the phone, i never know what to say and it’s just not the same as when she’s here in person… you know? i also feel terribly bad because char challenged me to read a proverb a day… but i always find a reason no to. it’s weird… i <3 god so way much… but when it comes to reading the bible and going to church, i, well, feel so guilty because i just get a “go away” attitude. i know that if i wanna change i have to take the initiative; but it’s so much work and i start getting lazy and don’t want to bother, or sometimes i feel like being kinda bad. does that make sense? well… i’m gonna go. gosh… i’m sure having a lot of stress about school (biology!) these days! oh well.

and a few more tidbits:

4.1.97 – i just feel so lonesome & hopeless, like there’s no way out! i know i could take a hold of my life, but it would take so much work & effort! i don’t wanna start & just end up quitting again! :P =sigh= i can still identify, although i might use a different set of words.

3.3.98 – i hate myself. filled a whole pages with this, over and over and over… and in a cool pattern!

02.24.01 – haven’t written in this thing in ages; oh gosh, more than two years, to be exact. one might assume just start a new journal, since i’ve essentially started a new life, but i just assume fill up these pages first. (pause) even tho so much has happened over my silence, i am at a loss for words, for so many things have not changed, and that’s a sobering, scary thing. you would think that as one gets older, she would dismiss her petty worries and focus on things that really matter. but, unfortunately, some things never change. i am still me at heart, and that means a never-ending struggle with myself (my existence, importance, appearance, etc.) and god. =sigh= i am so sick @ heart for who and what i am, and the lives that are affected by that. (pause) i can see myself heading off into this exhausting, never-ending analysis of my issues and all that happy nonsense… but i do that all the time, every day, and it’s all i’ve done in the past, every day, and in this journal, every page… and how come i can’t reach a conclusion? perhaps i’m just scared, because i know the answer and don’t want to face it. but no, not more analysis, okay? i’m sick of it. karla is sick. of everything. and things will remain that way. for whatever reason. i still don’t understand. never will. still hate myself and wish i were dead, but it’s not that simple. ohmigod, how i wish i could just disappear. what’s the point, what’s the point?

11.06.05 – wow, i thought i had written in this thing more recently, but i guess not. i know i always say it, but how time flies. sometimes you think you won’t make it through the day, the week… but then a week becomes a month, and a month a few months, and before you know it, another year has gone by. and yet i still feel pretty much the same, maybe worse for the wear, but definitely not wiser… i am very unhappy and discontent at this stage in my life… i guess i’m doomed to forever feel this way. what a fucking waste… i don’t know how to be happy – “joyful” – while enduring these negative things… ironically, one of the only things that seems to be going well these days is my job…

the final page actually isn’t at the end up the book, since i started pasting postcards and other various items from the back of the journal. it will feel odd writing in this for the last time, and it will take a while and some searching before i purchase another paper journal.

charlene and her boyfriend, jon, announced recently that they [finally!] got engaged, and since they’ll be having a little shindig at their providence apt. before heading off to cali (for good??), she was on my mind, and i thought it would be neat reminding her of her gift ten years ago, and letting her know it’s been put to good use. *grin* (yeah yeah yeah, that was a major run-on sentence.)