Tag: dreams

Mind Jars and Bathtub Paints and Hair Feathers – Oh My!

When I first heard about Pinterest – a virtual pinboard where you can showcase and curate visual things that you love – I could tell right away that it would suck me in if I didn’t vacate the premises.  Here and there, however, blogs I follow have been mentioning things off their own Pinterest lists and of course I just had to check them out.  Eh, why not sign up – what harm could it do?

This definition of the website that I recently happened upon is a more accurate description:

pin-ter-est (n): A fun reminder of the clothes I will never afford/fit into, the home decor I will never afford/fit into our small home, the recipes and crafts I am too lazy to ever make, the sayings I wasn’t clever enough to think of on my own, the photos I wish I had taken but didn’t.

There is a virtual treasure trove of ideas, all sorts of “this would be nice” and “I could do that” or “someday maybe” and like I’m always telling myself “as soon as I learn how to sew! (or knit, or scrounge up a few more hours in a day)” 

I consider some of the time well-spent because it helps me organize ideas I definitely plan on utlizing – links to preschool printables and ideas or craft ideas I’ll be using during the week with the kiddos, a gift I want to make for someone, a new recipe I’m going to try.  And some of them are light-bulb-moment finds – aha, I never thought of doing it this way!  Stringing balloons looks so much easier than trying to tape them to the ceiling, zig zag streamers are such a cinch and way cooler than your average streamer, and why bother frosting the cake anyway?  Can you tell I have the kiddos’ impending party on the brain?

Suffice to say I’ve spent a lot of time “pinning” virtual items to my board, and then I have to check out the boards of those who’ve repinned my pins – ahhhh, the insanity!  I’m back to imposing a computer ban until the kiddos’ naptimes just so I can devote my undivided attention to them and get some other things done around the house.

Last week wasn’t the best for me – the kiddos were possessed by screaming, whining mosters and I didn’t have much motivation to get things done or keep them entertained.  I find that cleaning and organizing give me a feeling of control at times like that, so I’ll tend to want to vacuum a lot, pick up after the kids incessantly and get mad if they strew toys all over the house, make lists and dream about all the things I could do (hello, Pinterest).  I also made Chocolate Cake In a Mug a few times, which helps. 

Instead of just pinning and dreaming, I did in fact get around to making some of the projects.  I started off with the mind jar, hoping it might help Gwen calm down when she gets upset with Josiah and storms about the house.  She didn’t seem to get it; it’s pretty and glittery and maybe she’ll pick it up another time.

I made the bathtub paints the same night, both because I knew the kids would have fun and because I hoped it would stave off their usual bathtime whining rompous.  They had LOTS of fun, but when they decided to paint the walls I noticed some of the coloring seeping into the grout. *sigh*  It turned out to be no biggie, but I’ll have to look into some friendly food coloring.     

One evening I stayed up late browsing and bookmarking, and I came upon what seems to be this ever-growing trend for hair feathers.  Now, I don’t consider myself trendy and don’t care for fads, but I have to admit I fell in love with some of the ideas.  I pinned some favorites to my Hair board, and ended up buying Gwen and me some feather clips from a shop on Etsy – I can’t wait till they arrive!  I would love to try the “permanent” method, but I’ll have to buy some feathers for that.  In the meantime, I found a couple feathers I had around the house, made myself a fun little clip, and took it for a test drive:

Whaddya’ think? 

On my to-do list for the near future:
bottlecap flower wreath (I already have a bunch of bottlecaps!) 
coconut milk shampoo
apple tart
fall leaf mobile with the kiddos
oh, and I’m thinking about going on a dishwasher strike

Do you have a Pinterest board?  If so, what do you get out of it? 

Follow Me on Pinterest




A couple years ago I watched The Secret.  Whereas I disagreed with the basic concept of attracting health, wealth, and success merely through the “law of attraction,” it did get me thinking about making some sort of vision board.

I’ve done similar things in the past – basically cutting out pictures, quotes, ideas; things I aspire to, want to create, become, focus on.  Hopes, wishes, dreams.  I didn’t get around to putting these things up on my bulletin board this time around, as it’s already chock-full of coupons, recipes, pictures, library reminders, local ads, and so forth.  But last night I was going through my binder, and I came across the envelope where these aspirations were enclosed.

I smiled as I went through them.  First, I came across my Gratitude list:
I am so grateful for…
… Philip – my loving accepting husband
… Gwendolyn – my precious baby girl
Nikki – my kindred spirit
… family – for all their faults they are there through thick and thin
… Jesus – all the He has done for me and continues to do despite me
… my material blessings – which nurture us and enable us to nurture others
… other friends – knowing someone is just a phone call or e-mail away and has my best interests at heart (Jenn, Kim, Jen, Kat)
… my job – flexible, able to take Gwen with me, nice boss, only employee, contributes to finances
… my abilities – though I may not know what my “Gift” is, I have many pursuits and interests that come in handy and allow me to create
… nature – its beauty and revelation of God

Second, my Asking for & believing will come list:
-to eventually open my own business
-to be a stay-at-home mommy before the Summer
-to fine a niche in which I can make money from home
-to have at least $150,000 to pay off our mortgage (I know, HA!)
-to gain a faster metabolism, burn off these pounds, and reach at least 130
-to get bigger breasts (I can hope, right?)
-to eat healthily and become more active
-to be healed inside of any chemical/hormonal imbalances, restore the proper cycle, and have clear skin-to get pregnant this year and have another baby – a boy this time!
-to spend more time with Phil and grow in love and understanding
-to get a new bedroom set
-to get 2 new vehicles
-to go away at least once a year
-to get a Sleep Number mattress
-to homeschool Gwen

Along with these lists I have a bunch of words, phrases, and pictures that I cut out of magazines.

*smile* CHECK.

I’m definitely not where I want to be, but I’ve made so much progress in this area. *exhale* CHECK.  Ironically, as I was going through these pictures last night, I noticed I was wearing orange pants with white stripes down the sides (see pic).  HA!

I so want to be a good Mommy to my children, but when I cut out this picture I only had Gwendolyn.  Now, she’s a beautiful, bright 3-year-old, and we haven’t killed each other yet.  That’s progress in my book!  Hesitant CHECK. *grin*

Phil is my favorite person, the love of my life, and I always yearn for a better relationship with him (even when things are good). We’ve been through rough times, like every married couple, but we have made such progress in how we communicate and relate.  I can honestly say things are better and our relationship is deeper then when we first got married.  CHECK.

Of course, there are things I’m still waiting for…



Do you have a Vision?

Doing the Dishes

I started crying while reading Becky and Nichole’s respective dream posts. It made my own hopes and dreams seem so… minimal. I often wonder what I’m doing here in this world; these days I spend most of my time cleaning up, worrying about various crap, and it seems so pointless. Every day I pray that God will make me smarter than I am, give me wisdom and discernment, strength and courage and all the things I need to be a loving wife and mother (and friend and daughter and all the other hats I wear). And most days I feel like I fail miserably.

Exhibit A: Gwen refuses yet again to eat something I prepared, and I raise my voice and become impatient with her; ironically, whenever I do this, she thinks I’m playing with her. Sometimes this reaction infuriates me, other times it diffuses my anger.

Exhibit B: Hubby’s gone yet again, and I feel alone, and decide to eat a carton of ice cream. Damn this emotional eating that has forever plagued me. And the huge hips that have been growing the same amount of time.

Exhibits C and beyond are similar in nature.

I suppose it varies from day to day where my mind wanders. If I have a bad day, all my thoughts are doom and gloom, full of self-loathing and condemnation. Other times I may be more entrepreneurial (sp?)… but my realistic/pessimistic side usually pipes up with “that will never happen,” “where will you get the money?”, “as if!”

Regardless of the corresponding arguments, here are some of my lofty dreams:

1. I have always thought it would be neat to have my own business – bed & breakfast, coffee shop, cakerie, whatever. It would be neat to implement the talents and expertise of my friends and family, and now that I have Gwen, afford an opportunity to make money AND have my daughter with me. When we thought my aunt from MN might move to RI and buy my grandparents’ house, I was excited because she talked about opening a consignment shop, and recruiting my help. My salvation! I would have a relaxed job and not have to worry about having a babysitter every day! I suppose the ideal job would be from home – but I haven’t figured that one out yet.

2. Homeschool Gwen. The more I learn about the educational system, the more protective I become of her. I want to have a reading nook in the house, a kid’s table where she can color and do all sorts of projects. I want to have lots of educational toys for her – and keep all others to a minimum. I constantly question myself and my abilities… but I’m her mother and love her more than anyone else. I feel so inadequate, but I’m hoping I’ll learn and grow as she does, and be prepared by the times she’s school-aged. This is, of course, dependent on my job status. See? – my realistic side rearing its head.

3. I keep thinking three is a good minimum number of children. If you have one, she’ll be all by herself, perhaps somewhat spoiled; two, and they’re constantly at odds with one another. I come from a family of five, and while childhood wasn’t the rosiest of times, I love being from a big family. So – three is a starting point. Since we have ONE, I want to grow our family. Because of the blood disease I acquired from my pregnancy, this may prove difficult. We’re still struggling with this one. I like the idea of adoption – but am not too sure how it would play out in the real world. I don’t know what God has in store for us, but I know I would love to have more children (preferably babies, until I become more experienced with subsequent ages). I hope to start some meaningful traditions with our kids, while keeping some of the old; I constantly hope that our home will be a safe haven for our kids and extended family, that they will one day look back and feel loved and cherished, remebering and laughing about all the good times. I just want to do a good job! And not have to pay for therapy!

4. You know the line from “The Three Musketeers” when what’s-his-name says, “I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a musketeer,” something of that nature? Well, I feel like I think like a writer – even if I don’t necessarily get to putting all those thoughts down on paper, and can’t always find the right words to convey a particular idea or emotion. In essence, I may not write like a writer, but I believe I have the heart of a writer. *grin* My thoughts are often disjointed, so I probably wouldn’t be able to write a novel, but I’ve often toyed with the idea of writing a memoir. I get discouraged when I think of all the journals I have around the house, and how little time I spend writing in them – but I think about it! I am severely delinquent in recording my journey through motherhood – but I’m a little busy!

5. Since we’re trying to finish our house with a non-existent budget, and I’m always looking for thrifty ways of doing things, I am always wishing I were more creative, innovating and artistic. I would love to be able to take a piece of FREE or CHEAP junk and turn it into a piece of art with a coat of paint, a little sanding here and there. If I had the time I would love to scour antique shops, thrift stores, yard sales, whatever, and find all those good deals. I’ve often thought I would like to learn how to sew, knit, crochet, make my own clothes and curtains and pillows. Since I’ve tried beading, I would love to learn how to work with metal, make dichroic glass. I get so pressured under the weight and responsibility of buying gifts for and recognizing everyone’s special occasion, and it would be wonderful to be able to make a nice, quality, meaningful gift instead of rushing around, wasting time finding something in the stores.

6. I wish I could say I have all sorts of ministry and evangelistic ideas, but in truth, I’m clueless. I’ve always figured God uses me where he has me, and I just have to be kind and reach out to everyone in my day-to-day world. I am not missionary minded, though I support them; there is no one ministry that tugs at my heart, although echoing Becky’s sentiments I love the idea of supporting mothers. I am constantly wishing things for a better marriage – understanding, the same level of comittment, renewing our vows in a beautiful ceremony (I will NOT be wearing the same size), the desire to have a simple date night once a month and go to a marriage conference once a year, do a devotional together, spend some one-on-one time (without the kiddo)… yadda yadda yadda.

Well, I think any other of my notions falls into these categories. Sometimes in all this mental frivolity it seems I’m wishing to be a whole other person in a whole different situation, because it seems like that’s what it will take for any of this to happen. And then I realize I should just get back to doing the dishes…

Rambling Update

Hm, where do I start? First of all, a positive note: I finally got to see an endocrinologist yesterday, and I really like her. The office is right across the street from my ob-gyn, so even though I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find it (Tollgate Rd is swarming with office buildings), it was a piece of cake. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and when the doctor walked in I was pleasantly surprised. She’s a tall black woman, gorgeous skin and lips, and she was wearing regular clothes, so there was nothing overly professional and sterile-looking about her. She made me feel right at ease, asked a lot of questions, and really listened to what I had to say. Usually I feel like doctors try and rush me, give me some pat answer so they can get onto their next patient, and I didn’t feel like this at all.

I did feel a little bit like some of my concerns weren’t taken seriously, just because I might not be worst-case scenario. For instance, I’m not obese, but I am overweight for my height; and since my skin has definitely improved with treatment and I was wearing makeup, my tendency towards acne wasn’t as apparent as it has been in the past. Just some examples. But I got a whole bunch of blood drawn today, and they’re gonna run some tests and I find out next month what the results are.

We attended a funeral yesterday afternoon. It was for Phil’s sort-of-adopted-grandfather, so I really didn’t know him, but felt obliged to attend. I felt weird the whole time, while Phil’s family knew everyone and had something to say. We went to the wake Monday, the funeral service yesterday morning, then drove to the cemetery for his… I don’t know what it’s called… Army salute? At the end, when they fired the shots off and payed him tribute, I felt like I absorbed everyone’s grief. I had to rush to work to make it in time, and had a thoroughly depressing rest of the day.

When I got to work, there were a whole bunch of emergency phone calls, patients wanting to see the doctor ASAP for toothaches and what not. Especially as of late, I’ve felt extremely limited in my position in the dentist office. I don’t always know how to answer someone, and don’t want to make things worse by suggesting something from my limited knowledge. Well, I was juggling getting in touch with some of these patients. trying to squeeze them in and please anyone without cancelling other apts, and a patient called and said she had a “complaint.” I tried to be as pleasant and understanding as possible, but she basically told me I wasn’t doing my job, and if that I couldn’t handle her billing she would have to see another dentist.

*sigh* I ended up being right about what we were discussing, but she made me feel so puny, I almost started crying. How is it someone can totally ruin your day, even if you know they’re in the wrong? I didn’t want to keep insisting she was wrong, so I just tried to point out the facts… and she told me she spoke with someone else who confirmed that she as correct. Arrrgh. How do you deal with these difficult people? It could have just been a misunderstanding… but still.

Today, one of our patients left a message saying he had been to the oral surgeon to whom we had referred him, and that surgeon told him to get a root canal ASAP. Dr. H. rarely does root canals himself; he refers out. So I gave him the name of an endodontist (believe me, I get confused with all the different doctors myself… there are also periodontists!), and told him to bring the x-ray we initially gave him and relay what the oral surgeon told him. (takes a breath) Well… one of the staff at the endodontist office calls, says this patient called them, and asks me for more information on him. Um, well… I only knew so much, and basically said he had complained of pain, saw Dr. H. yesterday, was referred to an oral surgeon, who told him to get the root canal ASAP – so we referred him to YOU! Well… that wasn’t good enough, and I really had nothing else to tell them. There was nothing written in the patient’s folder to go on, I only knew the amount I knew because of what the patient told me over the phone and the fact that I gave him the endodontist’s name. Then it seemed like she was questioning why I referred him in the first place; she didn’t recognize Dr. H’s name – do we normally refer to them? Yes, in fact they’re the only endodontists to which our office refers. Well (again)… the patient calls me back and says they’re booked for three weeks and can’t make him an apt. Why didn’t they tell him this in the first place?! Because they just didn’t like what I had to tell them; I guess my limited knowledge didn’t qualify him as an emergency patient even though he was told to get this done. (sigh) Did you follow all that?

So today I was rather discouraged about two specific days in a row where I’ve felt extremely lacking. I decided to type up a – yay! – list of “professional” options I’ve been throwing around just so I could be honest with myself and see them all in front of me. Here’s that list, and the outcome isn’t very hopeful:

1) Office Manager – I could get a certificate for taking the Dental Office Management Program online at the Warschaw Learning Institue for $400, but would need full-time hours to qualify for non-DANB-certified assistants/office personnel exam (which would give further credentials for the position). Even as a secretary now, I feel extremely limited.

2) Dental Assistant – mostly likely entails full-time schooling (based on all I’ve found in my research with pre-reqs and credits needed), for which I can’t afford the time nor the money.

3) Coffee Shop – have neither the necessary management skills, nor the location and means to set up shop. Have gotten positive feedback and could research the field more, but feel I wouldn’t get the desired healp from my family.

4) Wedding Cakes – don’t have enough experience – take a class? The only place I’ve found that gives affordable classes is Michael’s, and I have a feeling these are rather novice in nature. Also, I don’t have a separate kitchen (plus other equipment and supplies) necessary for operating a baking business out of the home, and not sure what business costs would entail. Can be stressful, but with more education, the correct environment and tools – and a head for marketing – could be done. *sigh*

* What I can offer – organized, friendly, reliable, trustworthy, creative to an extent, ability and willingness to learn and excel, will go above and beyond especially if encouraged

* Shortcomings – no further education/degree, not much experience in any one thing, flexible to a certain degree (not willing to drop everything to come in at a moment’s notice – I have other priorities), hesitant until I feel comfortable, won’t overstep my boundaries (and do more than asked) if not welcome

* Want to stay away from – cleaning, waitressing, most counter help

I started feeling sick at work today, and that – coupled with all that’s on my mind – made me rather grumpy and impatient upon getting home. Phil asked me – again, after my apologetically explaining to him in detail why I was against the idea – whether or not I wanted to attend two fire department dinners. I told him I would rather not, but would if he wanted to. Of course he wants to! I feel I really need to adjust my attitude about this, but I don’t know how! I put up with not seeing him a lot, I make him goodies to take, I don’t criticize all the time he spends on it – although when his cell phone is constantly ringing even when he’s at home I tell him to turn it off, and he’s doesn’t care – I make pies for the membership dinner, ETC. Well… when I explained how uncomfortable I feel at these functions, how I have NOTHING to offer in the way of conversation because I have nothing to say about the politics and don’t think the guys should be gossiping about other things that are going on, he just didn’t get it. ALL they talk about is fire department STUFF, and even when we get together with his parents, that’s all they talk about (his father is chief now)… and I’m totally alienated. How do I become okay with this? HELP!

So that’s that. I’ve been having these constant eye twitches, and am not sure if it means anything. When I googled it, this is what I came up with: “Stress and anxiety can play a large roll in chronic eye twitching. Therefore, stress management skills may be one of the first treatments prescribed.” Hm, can we say “easier said than done?”

the dance

He won’t lead her, perhaps doesn’t know the steps, so she she takes over. She takes the lead, tries to guide them in the right direction, but he balks at her steps. They fumble over one another, stepping on each other’s toes, messing up the dance of life.