One Year Ago

Last year, I was excitedly and a bit nervously helping to put together a Neverland-themed baby shower for sister-in-law, Jenn. If I only knew what was to follow in the hours, days, months ahead. But perhaps it’s better to be blind-sided rather than worry about what’s to come.

In hindsight, I wonder if the horrible headache I had that day was a drop in hormones that signaled the loss of my 3-month-old pregnancy. I was starting to show, for realz, and people were beginning to make comments and ask how I was feeling. We had already made a family announcement, anticipating the newest member of our family on March 1st of the following year. Of course, this time around, I know what it’s like to be huuuuuge during the Summer months… but even then, the heat was no fun!

It really was a lovely time with friends and family, visiting and stuffing our faces with chocolate-y goodness, crafting for Jenn’s long-awaited baby, showering her with gifts. That night, I lay on my bed, writing about the shower to share with all of you. I felt a bit crampy, but didn’t think anything of it.

The next morning… well, the rest is history.

I wish I could say that it ended well, that everything worked out, but I feel like I started a cursed chain of events that continued with the devastating loss of Astrid three months later – the very baby whose life we celebrated a year ago today.

I feel like I should insert a bunch of uplifting Bible verses – and yes, I took comfort in many songs, poems, and scriptures – but sometimes I simply get tired of talking myself out of how I’m feeling, bucking myself up with perspective. Time has helped heal the wounds, but the grief resurfaces every now and then; the waves aren’t as strong but they still lap on shore and hit hard from time to time. Especially when the anniversary month rolled around.

Last night, I lay in bed feeling some strong contractions, welcoming the pain because I just want to Get This Over With already. Bring it on! But it never progresses, and I can’t sleep for thinking and wondering, and the baby was moving so much and for so long I was wondering is he in distress? and will something bad happen tomorrow just like last time? 

I wish there were a switch to shut off my brain.

So tomorrow… tomorrow some ladies are throwing me a little “baby sprinkle” to bless me and the baby. I know I will wake up remembering, but I hope the day will be blessed and redeemed and this little guy will soon make his appearance.