Emotional

Growing up, I was constantly pegged as “emotional.”  My feelings were brushed aside and I wasn’t taken seriously, because I was “being emotional.”  I hated it.  I still do.  And then I feel guilty, because I become one of those who criticizes me for feeling deeply; I feel like I am ruled by my emotions.

Laying in bed, unable to sleep, tears rolling down my cheeks, I feel all these feelings.  Emotion on top of emotion.  A never-ending wave of seemingly negative emotions – sadness, anger, emptiness, grief, impatience, doubt, hurt… Should I be emotion-less?  Though I’m not happy about the all-consuming power of these feelings, I’m aware that these are part of what makes us human… this feeling deeply.  I guess it’s kind of like Old Guy said,  “I don’t want [these things] to ‘not matter’. I don’t want it to be something that just passes… if the scar is deep, so was the love… Scars are a testament to life.”

I got my Shiloh memorial bracelet in the mail the other day, had been waiting impatiently for it so I could put it on my wrist, hoping it would help me heal.  I love it.  Honey Thorns makes beautiful jewelry.  I picked a design with the following quote: “God has you in his hands I have you in my heart” and personalized it with a wing charm,  the March birthstone (March 1st was my due date), a heart charm, the quote, and a tag with Shiloh’s name.

Shiloh bracelet collage

As much as I love it, I couldn’t help thinking (because the thoughts never end)… why does something with “Shiloh” on it make anything better?  Who am I kidding?  Even though the days are easier, in some respects, it’s still been so hard.  I have to make myself focus on the mundane, day-to-day tasks.

I sell my handmade things in a couple local shops, and one of them contacted me with an order.  I sent her a quick reply, letting her know how things were going, telling her I was taking a bit of a break from sewing.  After making a whole bunch of stuff for my sis-in-law’s baby girl, I left all of the fabric out, figuring I would soon be making some blankies and bibs ‘n’ things as soon as I found out if I was having a boy or a girl.  Well… I haven’t been able to do anything with that pile of fabric, so it’s just been sitting there.

As the days go by, I’m getting closer to when I would have held my baby in my arms, but farther away from when my baby was still alive.  Somehow, I feel that truth so intensely.  I don’t want to be sad forever… but I don’t want to forget, I want it to matter.  I know things won’t ever be the same “normal,” but I don’t know how much longer I can deal with all of these emotions.

*header image credit: pinterest.com/vintagedaydream/baby-names

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2 thoughts on “Emotional

  1. I’m so sorry your feelings are overwhelming. Even though I haven’t experienced the same kind of deep grief, I certainly understand being overwhelmed with emotion. I actually *hate* crying because I feel like I’ve let open a Spring of Sadness that I will drown in; my heart aches so literally, I feel like I’m going to die. I don’t feel like it will ever end, that I instead must end. Yet, as I’ve tried to tell myself in recent years, I do stop crying, and I do live and I do experience happiness, too. I hope you’re experiencing some happiness, or will soon. I wouldn’t change you, either. The world needs people who *care.* I love you the way you are and respect you. Because of the burdens of feeling that you bear, you are a strong person. Just don’t forget to seek help from someone you trust (not someone who will put you down or invalidate your emotions) when it gets to be too much. Everyone needs emotional support now and then, especially at a time like this.

  2. I think it’s important to acknowledge your feelings, whether they’re what you want to feel or not. The biggest problem these days is the expectation that we are supposed to keep these feelings to ourselves – as a result, we;ve lost touch with what it appropriate to feel or think in certain situations. If I’m beng honest, reading your posts is so emotional for me, mostly because I can’t imagine what I would be feeling that I was going through the loss of my pregnancy. It would likely be much like what you are feeling, and it’s scary to think about. But while I don’t want to think about it and I want to believe it won’t happen to me – it is important to know that it does happen and there are other people grieving. I don’t know if that makes sense. Either way, I am so sorry that you are experiencing such a loss.

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