Just a late night post after a long day, thoughts swirling through my head. No catchy phrases or artsy photos to draw you in – just me.
I’ve often been told I’m a pessimist, but I like to think I’m just realistic. It takes so much energy to focus on the positives, the bright side, put things in perspective, that after a while it’s just easier to see things as they come. And like so many times in the past, it just hits me: I will never be enough.
I’m not talking about trying to measure up to some unrealistic standard, because I understand about those. Yeah, my house won’t look like a magazine spread and I’m okay with that; I’ll never be a size zero like one of my friends, but even if I stopped eating like I did in high school my skeleton hips would still be at least a size ten; I will never be able to do everything and that’s just fine with me – there’s just no way I’ll be able to learn Chinese or play an instrument really well or draw a picture that doesn’t look like a little kid drew it or drive a stick shift (among many other things).
But. There are some things I really want to do, want to be… want to be better at, and it just isn’t in the cards. And not for lack of trying. I put so much time and thought and energy into trying to make things happen. Some of them… I have prayed many times to just accept myself for who I am, be content with what I’ve got, but there’s no peace.
The other day I was watching some video clip and this line hit me, “A person is beautiful when she is true to herself.” I wrote it down on a slip of paper and stuck it on the keyboard. Do you ever have something like that that appeals to you, motivates you, brings a smile to your face… but the next day you’re reading the words, asking yourself, what the hell does that even mean?
Trying to work through some things. I tend to over-analyze so this isn’t necessarily a good thing, but what’s a girl to do? Sometimes I really feel like I have to do everything and I really don’t know how to do it all. It can be hard to get up in the morning, knowing what awaits, and I think perhaps I put off going to bed to delay the inevitable (this is in addition to finishing my to-do lists, attending to crying babies, planning school for the week, finishing the laundry, etc.), and then of course I will never get enough sleep.
Off to get some of those z-z-z-zs now.