Doing the Dishes

I started crying while reading Becky and Nichole’s respective dream posts. It made my own hopes and dreams seem so… minimal. I often wonder what I’m doing here in this world; these days I spend most of my time cleaning up, worrying about various crap, and it seems so pointless. Every day I pray that God will make me smarter than I am, give me wisdom and discernment, strength and courage and all the things I need to be a loving wife and mother (and friend and daughter and all the other hats I wear). And most days I feel like I fail miserably.

Exhibit A: Gwen refuses yet again to eat something I prepared, and I raise my voice and become impatient with her; ironically, whenever I do this, she thinks I’m playing with her. Sometimes this reaction infuriates me, other times it diffuses my anger.

Exhibit B: Hubby’s gone yet again, and I feel alone, and decide to eat a carton of ice cream. Damn this emotional eating that has forever plagued me. And the huge hips that have been growing the same amount of time.

Exhibits C and beyond are similar in nature.

I suppose it varies from day to day where my mind wanders. If I have a bad day, all my thoughts are doom and gloom, full of self-loathing and condemnation. Other times I may be more entrepreneurial (sp?)… but my realistic/pessimistic side usually pipes up with “that will never happen,” “where will you get the money?”, “as if!”

Regardless of the corresponding arguments, here are some of my lofty dreams:

1. I have always thought it would be neat to have my own business – bed & breakfast, coffee shop, cakerie, whatever. It would be neat to implement the talents and expertise of my friends and family, and now that I have Gwen, afford an opportunity to make money AND have my daughter with me. When we thought my aunt from MN might move to RI and buy my grandparents’ house, I was excited because she talked about opening a consignment shop, and recruiting my help. My salvation! I would have a relaxed job and not have to worry about having a babysitter every day! I suppose the ideal job would be from home – but I haven’t figured that one out yet.

2. Homeschool Gwen. The more I learn about the educational system, the more protective I become of her. I want to have a reading nook in the house, a kid’s table where she can color and do all sorts of projects. I want to have lots of educational toys for her – and keep all others to a minimum. I constantly question myself and my abilities… but I’m her mother and love her more than anyone else. I feel so inadequate, but I’m hoping I’ll learn and grow as she does, and be prepared by the times she’s school-aged. This is, of course, dependent on my job status. See? – my realistic side rearing its head.

3. I keep thinking three is a good minimum number of children. If you have one, she’ll be all by herself, perhaps somewhat spoiled; two, and they’re constantly at odds with one another. I come from a family of five, and while childhood wasn’t the rosiest of times, I love being from a big family. So – three is a starting point. Since we have ONE, I want to grow our family. Because of the blood disease I acquired from my pregnancy, this may prove difficult. We’re still struggling with this one. I like the idea of adoption – but am not too sure how it would play out in the real world. I don’t know what God has in store for us, but I know I would love to have more children (preferably babies, until I become more experienced with subsequent ages). I hope to start some meaningful traditions with our kids, while keeping some of the old; I constantly hope that our home will be a safe haven for our kids and extended family, that they will one day look back and feel loved and cherished, remebering and laughing about all the good times. I just want to do a good job! And not have to pay for therapy!

4. You know the line from “The Three Musketeers” when what’s-his-name says, “I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a musketeer,” something of that nature? Well, I feel like I think like a writer – even if I don’t necessarily get to putting all those thoughts down on paper, and can’t always find the right words to convey a particular idea or emotion. In essence, I may not write like a writer, but I believe I have the heart of a writer. *grin* My thoughts are often disjointed, so I probably wouldn’t be able to write a novel, but I’ve often toyed with the idea of writing a memoir. I get discouraged when I think of all the journals I have around the house, and how little time I spend writing in them – but I think about it! I am severely delinquent in recording my journey through motherhood – but I’m a little busy!

5. Since we’re trying to finish our house with a non-existent budget, and I’m always looking for thrifty ways of doing things, I am always wishing I were more creative, innovating and artistic. I would love to be able to take a piece of FREE or CHEAP junk and turn it into a piece of art with a coat of paint, a little sanding here and there. If I had the time I would love to scour antique shops, thrift stores, yard sales, whatever, and find all those good deals. I’ve often thought I would like to learn how to sew, knit, crochet, make my own clothes and curtains and pillows. Since I’ve tried beading, I would love to learn how to work with metal, make dichroic glass. I get so pressured under the weight and responsibility of buying gifts for and recognizing everyone’s special occasion, and it would be wonderful to be able to make a nice, quality, meaningful gift instead of rushing around, wasting time finding something in the stores.

6. I wish I could say I have all sorts of ministry and evangelistic ideas, but in truth, I’m clueless. I’ve always figured God uses me where he has me, and I just have to be kind and reach out to everyone in my day-to-day world. I am not missionary minded, though I support them; there is no one ministry that tugs at my heart, although echoing Becky’s sentiments I love the idea of supporting mothers. I am constantly wishing things for a better marriage – understanding, the same level of comittment, renewing our vows in a beautiful ceremony (I will NOT be wearing the same size), the desire to have a simple date night once a month and go to a marriage conference once a year, do a devotional together, spend some one-on-one time (without the kiddo)… yadda yadda yadda.

Well, I think any other of my notions falls into these categories. Sometimes in all this mental frivolity it seems I’m wishing to be a whole other person in a whole different situation, because it seems like that’s what it will take for any of this to happen. And then I realize I should just get back to doing the dishes…