How is it that I can be encouraging and supportive to others, but completely condemning and judgemental of myself. Sometimes I feel so hypocritical offering advice when I really should eat my own words… except that I’ve already stuffed myself to the gills, I couldn’t possibly fit a morsel of good advice. I feel like a fraud. So what does it mean to just “be myself?”
Blessed as I am with a wonderful family, my beautiful little Gwen, a few close and faithful friends, I feel guilty acknowledging that I’m disappointed [in myself]. Sometimes I wonder – especially as I’m loading the dishwasher or doing some other mundane task – what all This is for. It feels like the whole point to this Thorn in My Side is to “fight the good fight,” be a good example or – as I often think – be a bad example, an example of how one should NOT conduct her life.
It seems I never really conquer my demons, just distract and re-direct until I can’t remember what the fuss was all about… but when my guard is let down, they swoop down and take hold of my heart once again. I’m tired of fighting and losing, fighting and thinking I’ve gained ground, fighting fighting. Tired.
How will I ever set a good example for Gwen? How will I teach her about the good things in life when I embody the bad? I’ve been trying to change for as long as I can remember, will it be any different? Maybe this is just Life, and I’m not cut out for the game.