I don’t even know where to begin to describe the beginning of my journey into motherhood. It has been so many things, a sundry array of overwhelming and – at times – conflicting emotions.
I can’t believe how much Gwen has grown in the past two months – literally and figuratively. Literally – she’s almost nine pounds! What a porker! I was so sad when I had to put away her preemie-sized clothes, clothes that – looking back at her newborn pictures – were loose on her! *sniff sniff* She’s even starting to get too big for her newborn items, which are supposed to be sized up to 3 months. Just the other day I took some more clothes out of her daily rotation, and felt a pang of sadness at the thought that my tiny little girl is growing up!
I’ve always been an emotional person, but this experience has made me even more so. I cried every day at first, and now I think I’m back to my normal (I use the word very loosely) sheddage of tears. But my range of emotions will probably never recover; becoming a mommy opened up a Pandora’s box, a plethora of new thoughts and fears and anticipations.
Dealing with a newborn was very tough for me. One moment I would cry with the frustration of not knowing what this baby wants, overwhelmed with the knowledge that I’m responsible for this tiny person. I would think how easy it was for both of us when I was still pregnant – I could nurture her by just being! Granted, my body had its problems… but she was much more comfortable and I didn’t have to figure her out or try to put her on a schedule!
I’ve seen Gwendolyn transform into a fussy, sleepy, hungry brand-new baby into a fussy, sleepy, hungry, smiley, playful, excited and engaging baby. It has been so amazing – and discouraging at times – to watch her personality blossom. She is less of an eating, crying machine and more of a person to me now.
Errands are extremely limited these days, so at least expenses even out when you consider that buying diapers replaces buying gas. I’m very nervous about being stuck somewhere in public when she has a crying fit, or when she’s hungry. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to nursing in public, so I usually bring a bottle with me just in case.
I’m thinking about going back to my part-time job soon, and although I feel like I need a break from her sometimes (after a whole day of baby talk, I can’t stand my voice; I’m not one for extensive conversation, so just imagine a day filled with one-sided conversations in baby talk!), I’m loathe to go just one morning or afternoon without her. I want to be there for her; I don’t want to rely on others for her care, though I appreciate the support.
I’m afraid I’ll miss something – imagine if she took her first steps without me? I would feel bereft. But more than that – I want her to know I’ll always be there, don’t want her to think I’m pawning her off on other people, prefer their care to mine, think any less of me…
She’s only 2 months old, and I’m already thinking of when she goes off to school, when she grows up and leaves… I can’t believe my love and care for her is supposed to teach her to be independent, to leave the nest and fly away.
It is a joy and a privilege, being mommy to my daughter. I love my little Gwendy-girl so much!