It’s a cruel joke, telling women that pregnancy is only nine months. Pregnancy is forty weeks – you do the math. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I have enjoyed about being pregnant; I’ve already mentioned that I will probably miss feeling the baby move once she’s born. HOWEVER… I’ve been feeling the effects of being bigger all over, and I just can’t imagine eight more weeks of it (getting bigger all the while, of course – I can count on at LEAST a pound a week).
One of the things I just never imagined would be so inconvenient and uncomfortable is the constant feeling of needing to go to the bathroom. I can go three times within the space of five minutes, and still feel like I need to go! It gets worse if a certain someone – and I don’t mean Phil! – uses my bladder as a punching bag (or perhaps a trampoline).
Another thing which has gotten harder – simple movements you take for granted, such as rolling over in bed or bending over to put on socks and tie your shoes. They’re not impossible, and I CAN see my toes – but it’s amazing how much your pregger belly really does get in the way. It doesn’t just bend and squish like regular belly fat – it’s just there! I’ve told Phil I feel like it’s a detachable mass; I should be able to unhook it and take it off or something. In the shower, it just GETS IN THE WAY!
Lately, I’ve been VERY bummed about my size. If it were just my belly getting big, it wouldn’t be so bad. But it’s all the other areas in which I already tend to gain fat: hips, butt, thighs (NOT chest, of course). Even my face seems swollen, and I don’t recognize myself. Trying to keep active hasn’t been the easiest; my hips get very sore and painful, and it’s pretty much constant (which accounts for the aforementioned pain whilst trying to roll over in bed).
If it weren’t for being worried about the health of my baby, I might be more upset about these things. But when I put into perspective, I really am doing fine. I didn’t get morning sickness like some women (although I did feel nauseous), and for the most part of been pretty positive about the whole thing. I think I may be more emotional as giving birth comes near, partially because I don’t really know what to expect. And of course I have doctor’s apts every week – one tomorrow and another Thursday – and I’m worried each time.
There have been a few nights recently where I just can’t get to sleep. It’s getting harder to breathe because of my poor squished lungs, so I lay there taking deep breaths, thinking everything over. I started thinking about my grandfathers again, and that made me sad (particularly because one of my grandmothers isn’t faring so well – I think she has dementia or something). Sometimes I move to the rocking chair in the living room – and I think about how I probably shouldn’t have more kids because of my condition. And I wonder about being a good mother, blah blah blah.
I have a lot on my mind these days. It’s like I don’t know how much more pregger-ness I can take… but I know she needs to stay in there a while longer to be the healthiest she can be, besides that the house isn’t ready… and am I really prepared?