Fat Girl

“It may come as a surprise to you – or maybe it won’t – but I often do not realize that I am fat, or how fat I am.  When I am by myself I don’t tend to think about how I appear.  I think about what I am doing.  So when I see photographs … I am shocked by the difference between how I belived I looked and how I did look.  This has happened before; I have believed I looked acceptably attractive, or even pretty, and then saw [these pictures] that showed my wide butt and bulging stomach and those arms as big as big bolognas that hang from deli ceilings.”
excerpt from Fat Girl, by Judith Moore

I know that with pregnancy comes a certain amount of weight gain, but it’s scary feeling like I have no control.  I tend to hover around size 12 when I’m being reasonably good and exercising a bit, but even before I got pregnant I was heading towards a size 14.  The other day I went to the Salvation Army to drop off a few boxes of things, and decided to get a few pairs of size 14 regular and L maternity pants.  Lo and behold, when I got home, they were too tight.  Bring on the 16s!  *sigh*  And it will only get worse. 

I’m trying to remember that it’s all for a good cause, and pretty soon I can work on getting slim – er, rather, “slimmer” – again.  It’s just hard when you’re plodding along with your thighs constantly rubbing together and your butt bouncing along behind you… and even though you’re sweating like a pig you don’t want to take off any extra layers or wear a tank top because there’s only so much the world can handle.   

On a more positive note – it has been an amazing experience feeling my little Jelly Bean flutter around inside me.  Pregnancy is such a common occurrence, but when it happens to you and you feel all these things, it’s really quite amazing (save for such inconveniences as the aforementioned weight gain).  I’ve read so many books, magazines, online resources, and most of them said that you can feel the baby move as early as 16 weeks (some even earlier).  I was anxious to feel the life growing inside me, and grew more anxious as I neared and past the 16-week mark.  

One evening, I was lying in bed, holding my breath and trying to direct all my attention towards any feelings in my tummy.  Normally at this point all I would be able to feel is the wild beat of my heart, waiting waiting waiting to feel SOMETHING!  This time at exactly 19 weeks, I felt what I describe as a little “nudge” in the lower lefthand side of my abdomen.  I held my breath and put my hand over the spot.  Sure enough – two more of the same nudges in exactly the same spot.  I was SO excited! 

It’s one thing – and amazing enough – to know you’re carrying around and nurturing your unborn baby wherever you go, but another thing entirely to constantly feel its little flutters of life.  I have consistently felt her kicking or punching or swimming around or whatever it is she does in there (particular after I’ve eaten, and something sweet, at that).  The other night I swear she had the hiccups; the rhythmic nudges kept up for a little while, and it made me giggle. 

What DOES she do all day?  Doesn’t she get bored? 

Her favorite spot seems to be as low as she can go – not a place you want to offer up for rubbing or patting to strangers, let me just say that!  Sometimes she lies down sideways, and I feel this huge lump and the accompanying pressure – it’s not painful, but feels a little strange; I rub the area till she swims away, and sometimes she kicks back first. *grin*     

Others tell me that when she gets bigger and stronger, I’ll long for the days when I couldn’t feel those kicks.  But I already find myself looking forward to her nudges, and wonder if I’ll feel somewhat bereft when she actually enters this world – she won’t need the inner confines of my being anymore, and will be able to depend on others for her care.