i’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately, and i hate it. and when people say “what’s wrong” or “i can tell something is bothering you” or something like that, when i feel like i’m going along pretty well and trying to stay afloat without giving anything away, their observations just make it worse.
today i cleaned at my sister’s, and she was still there when i arrived. i got to work, washing the dishes and straightening up. she’s more talkative than i am, so maybe it had something to do with my silence… but she zeroed in on my mood. we ended up talking about the possbility of marriage counseling (not for her and me, however, hehe), the idea of which i used to be extremely open to and now to which i am somewhat adverse.
it seems the onset of this most recent black cloud hovering overhead was due to a) my new haircut, and b) pms. =sigh= there’s no helping the latter – it is what it is, hormones are a poweful thing. as for the haircut… i always reach a point when i want to go short(er), and i look online and through magazines for The Perfect Haircut. well, i never end up looking like the picture, because my hair is undecided in its nature – it’s not straight, it’s not curly, it’s absurdly wavy. and wispy. grrr. so i don’t like my haircut; i keep telling myself “it’s just hair” for crying out loud, “it will grow back” (i’ve been at this stage many times), but it doesn’t help when you’re self-esteem is already suffering, and/or when it happens to be the infamous last straw (or one in a series of last straws). on the way home, i was thinking i would “fix” it and just cut it “a little shorter;” but then i realized it would just be worse off than it is and take longer to grow out.
since january i’ve been eating better and exercising regularly. i’ve lost at least five pounds, and fit better into some of my clothes, for which i am very proud. however, with the most recent bout of pms, it seems all other efforts have been negated; how can a few months of work be totally ruined in a matter of days? it’s unbelievable. it’s hard to remain diligent and consistent when discouraged; why get up at 6am every morning, exercise for 1-2 hours at the beginning and/or end of my day, deny myself some of the foods i want, if all efforts will have been in vain? some days i can be very positive about what i am doing and why, but other days i just want to throw in the towel and give up. usually when everything else is going to crap!
in keeping with the physical aspects of my discouragement… i think the pills my dermatologist recommended aren’t as effective. can your body get used to acne pills? i dunno. i was so excited when my skin started improving, and i didn’t have to cake on makeup everyday. now, it’s back to a point where i feel i need to dress up my face again, because it’s not fit to be seen naked. i hate being ashamed of my appearance!
a couple weeks ago i decided to brush my cat, nala, because she has been shedding everywhere, much to my chagrin. i thought she would try to attack the brush, or otherwise dislike it… but i’m afraid it set off just another in her series of amorous in-heat type spells. i decided she really liked being brushed! well, the other night i plopped her on the couch with the intent of brushing her again; i wasn’t looking forward to the resulting gurgling feline that would be roaming the house, but at least it would partly solve the shedding problems and make her happy. (pause) well, after a couple strokes with the brush, nala got this dark, nasty look in her eyes, flattened her ears, and swiped at the brush and my hand holding it, scratching me in the process. i know she’s just an animal, but i was just so sad and upset, and i couldn’t help relating it to my life in general. i started crying. i have nothing to love and cuddle with! sometimes i can ignore the fact that i have no love life, but other times it’s so overwhelming. and my supposed-to-love-me-unconditionally-cat isn’t fulfilling her role.
just a few minute ago, i thought i was going to have another panic attack. i haven’t had too many weird heart episodes lately, but more recently the little skipped beats and palpitations have returned. sometimes i think something is seriously wrong with me, and no one knows… but other times i think it’s all in my head, and i’m just insane. the latter is the more plausible of the two.
all i need is some cake and ice cream and this would be one perfect pity party.