friday five – past, present & future

1. 10 years ago what did you think you would be doing now?
oh gosh, nostaliga time. =deep sigh= i always thought anything after 20 was old. or, rather, not old, but adult. i guess i figured i would be grown-up, have more of a clue what i wanted to do with my life. *laughs* i at least envisioned my own apartment with plants in the windows, a cat or two, having possibly graduated from a cool career school (photography, culinary arts, cosmetology, something like that). i never would have imagined the reality that is.

2. Where do you think you will be in 5 years from now?
beats me! i’m just full of surprises, guess. actually, i have the sinking feeling that i will be in the exact same place, wondering where the hell all the time has gone by, thinking – shit, i’m 30, and i thought 20 was old! i hoped that my house would be finished after a couple years of marriage, but i don’t even have that. and the prospects for a family look even dimmer. the only thing i feel i can work on is myself, my job. how selfish and pathetic. but there you have it.

3. Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future.
both. i mean, i can only live one day at a time, but in doing so i think about the future. i hope, plan, pray. i also tend to look towards the past, wonder about that “what ifs” and all. it’s not healthy, but old habits die hard.

4. Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life?
ah… i don’t know about “undo,” but definitely “do over.” even though i don’t necessarily think i’m “wiser” (i still make the same stupid mistakes, end up in the same vicious cycles, never really make any progress, etc.), i wish i knew then some of the things i know now. as [the proverbial] they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” i guess some of the fun is not knowing how things will turn out, and of course not everything will turn out perfectly… but sometimes it feels like the little things make all the difference. one wrong turn, and you’re suddenly off in the wrong direction.

5. If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be?
i don’t know. anything. everything. nothing? would it matter. if that younger version of me hadn’t experienced any of this, would she even listen? when we’re little, people tell us to enjoy the time we have, because it won’t last. do we listen? no, we just want to grow up and be adults. i don’t know why – i hate responsibility, having to be all serious and stressed about all the things in the world.

just the other day, i was thinking about caramel cremes, and how when i was a little girl i gave one of those flat packages of caramel cremes and a penny to one of my older brothers as a gift when he was in the hospital for a broken leg – and it was such a great gift! i was so proud of myself. how naive. but how simple and heartfelt. i forget the line – nikki, maybe you can help me out – but in “little women” jo is lamenting the fact that everyone is growing up, changing, why things can’t stay as they are. sometimes i wish time would stand still, and i could live in that little sliver and not worry about deadlines or calories or weight or trying to please everyone and clean the house and make money and get all my shit together.

i don’t know that i’ve successfully learned any lessons worth imparting, even to a younger version of myself, but i would definitely persuade her to enjoy life to its fullest. and for goodness’ sake, high school is just one big phase. some of the things that could be considered trials turned out to be great learning experiences, so i don’t know how to extricate myself from those without learning those valuable lessons. but… i wish i could lighten up in many respects. dance-in-the-rain kind of mentality, belt your favorite tune no matter who’s listening, who’s watching. i know it’s just a saying, but cliche oftentimes rings the truest – “carpe diem.” take those chances. i care(d) too much what people think.

your heart will always hurt – you were right, you can’t really trust anyone. (pause) well, those that you can are few and far between. but precious – hold onto them. don’t lose touch with special friends… they matter too much, even if the relationship can survive the hibernation. no matter how many times you’ll shed tears over the future, you won’t believe how many more you’ll shed over the past if you fuck it up. don’t waste your time wishing for things that won’t bring fulfillment. try to derive your happiness from outside yourself, or it will never happen.

you are not a doormat – say it with me. you. are. not. a. doormat. louder! just because you want to make people happy, doesn’t mean you have to go along with whatever they want. you can say “no,” and it will be okay. they’ll live, you’ll be just fine, the world will keep on revolving. don’t let people take advantage of you – you’re better than that, even if you don’t like to admit it.

learn a foreign language now! take some of those classes while your parents will pay for them! hehe. i know, i know, the thought of more school sucks royally… but you’ll regret it later on if you don’t. and if, after all this, you still end up in the same place at the same time with the same circumstances… well, you tried. if you meet him… take your time. but there’s never enough time to begin with, is there? i’m still learning, too.

inspired by the friday five