duplicity

the other day at work, i got talking with a patient on the phone. she just kept blabbing away, and i obliged, adding to the conversation. she said i have such a cheerful outlook on life, i sound like i should be a “sunday school teacher,” yadda yadda. my boss has told me before that i am social, “self-assured.” i hear what people say about me, and wonder, “are you crazy?!”

i’ve always thought i was a rather shy, reserved, “glass-half-empty” type of individual. then i hear the impressions of others, and it hits me: they don’t come home with me at the end of the day! seriously, i get home, walk in the door… my shoulders droop, and i swear i audibly sigh. groan, even. how is it that i can be these two totally different people? and which one is the “real” me?

my mom says that you feel you can just be yourself at home – and i know what she’s saying. it’s just so puzzling. which is it? why can’t i be positive all the time? (pause) or, rather, come across as positive and fool myself in the process. i’ve always thought of myself as a “nice,” perhaps “friendly,” but… it’s just so strange. i feel so guilty for leading people astray, fooling them into thinking i’m this great person when really things make me so upset that i swear at the cat, slam cupboard doors, and want to bang my head against the wall (i would, were it not for the ensuing headache).

well, it’s my sister laura’s 30th birthday today. woo-hoo! i called her this morning, wished her a happy birthday, and asked what it felt like to be thirty. she said it didn’t feel any different… except that when she went to her health club, she had to enter her age on the treadmill, and hitting “3-0” was rather mind-boggling. hehe.

i got together with her and mom today, and we had lunch at a haruki east in providence, and then went to wholefoods. following that i badly ditched my diet when we each got a yummy dessert and shared all around. i found myself eating the last bites of each. =sigh= later on at home, making the goodies for her actual birthday celebration with family tomorrow, i started snacking in the kitchen… then i couldn’t stop! why do fat and sugar taste so damn good?! alone, i think they’re gross – butter, granulated sugar, yeck! but harmonized in just the right food makes for tastebud nirvana.

i did end up getting a snazzy new pair of sneakers at dsw. i wandered the store for quite a long time, trying on various pairs, sometimes two different shoes at a time to compare the feel, standing on my tippy-toes to feel how flexible they were. then i would put the shoes away and try again with a couple other pairs. i wanted to go with new balance, because i’ve heard good things about them, but they didn’t have my size in the styles i was interested in. i ended up with a pair of silver/grey/yellow saucony running sneakers, and so far i love ’em.

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