finding my way

i’m positively freezing, but i’m not helping any matters by eating frozen yogurt. i was browsing online, and came upon this site for chocolate truffles, and can’t you just see the drool running down my chin. hehe. it was then that i remembered the vanilla frozen yogurt, sitting in the freezer just waiting to be devoured. so i dumped on some toppings – chocolate syrup, caramel sauce, and coconut – and am polishing off the contents as we speak.

while we’re on the topic of… well, ice cream, basically… i’ll let you in on one of my innumerous oddities. you know how you blow on soup or something hot before you eat it? well, i oftentimes catch myself doing that with ice cream. i guess it has to do with extreme temperatures… and in all fairness, blowing on it will make it slightly warmer, right? (pause) right? guys??

anyhoo… the other day i was thinking, as i have been known to do… and of course what am i to do with those thoughts but jot them down. not sure what got me onto this particular line of thinking, but so often these days i ponder the seeming dead-end that is my life. at times, i feel like a little kid, and people tell me, “you’re young!” and of course, in my mid-twenties, i am still young… but that’s all relative.

when i was little, i had “all the time in the world.” i guess it seems like, when you reach a certain age, you’re carved into stone – your personality, abilities, propensities, etc. of course, you can meet new people, learn new things, whatever… but your basic interests are pretty much set. i used to think i’m “young at heart,” but i think the only reasons why i feel young are because a) i look and sound like a kid outta junior high, and b) i don’t feel as learned or experienced as someone my age “should.”

i never went to college or had much of a social life (save a few years involved in my church youth group), and feel like i missed out on opportunities that could have shaped me as an individual. i don’t feel as “well-rounded” as i should be. i feel i often have interesting thoughts and ideas, but can’t always put them into words, because i’m so limited.

right now i’m doing what i have to, and i wish i had the time and energy and motivation (and money) to do more of what i want to. but more importantly, i wish i knew what i wanted. i feel as if i’ll always be “finding my way,” trying to figure out what i want to do/be “when i grow up,” and i hate thinking in those terms.

i’m not sure if i believe that everything happens for a reason… but i do believe life is – to an extent, anyway – what we make of it. there are things to be learned from every experience… and right now i’m trying to figure out what i can learn from my own situation. a big part of me feels lost, and i don’t know if all this is pointing me to the direction of god’s arms… but i’m afraid even if i run to him, i’ll still be stuck. stuck because i’m meant to learn something from this, and it won’t be “over” until i have. i know – in theory – that god only wants what’s good for us, and he knows better then we what that is… but i just can’t see the big picture.