ten years in the making

back in september of ’95, charlene gave me a blank journal. it’s very plain and simple, and has a claude monet painting on the front; it even came with some free monet postcards in the back, but i never used them. as much as i love to write – especially when things aren’t going well, as they so often are… er, aren’t? – it took me a while to fill the pages. perhaps because my written attentions were otherwise directed to my online journal, as well as to handwritten letters to various friends and acquaintances.

in any case, there is only one blank side of a page left, and i am wondering just what those last words will be. i went back to brewed by myself over the weekend, and sat for about an hour or so in one of the leather chairs, listening to my mp3 player, sipping a spiced chai, and jotting down my thoughts. i could have kept going, i suppose, but my wrist was aching and i didn’t feel like dwelling on those particular things anymore.

as painful as the process can be at times, i really enjoy flipping through the pages of this old book. i’ve always loved collecting/using stickers, and the front and and back pages are absolutely covered with a variety of them (added to as i came upon another i liked or someone gave me). interspersed throughout the text are colorful bandaids (unused, of course), drawings, inspirations quotes, pictures from magazines, articles, poems, haircut ideas, notes, unsent letters, postcards, tickets stubs, and even a story i started writing a long time ago. if it were put together in a more organized fashion, i would say it makes up an interesting little chronological scrapbook… but it’s so messy and haphazard, as it reflects my state of mind.

among the articles saved (and protected with leftover book covers from junior high) include one about the death of princess diana, and one about the passing of christopher letournea (jane’s cousin). it’s so odd to look back on these things, and vividly remember the day of the event, remember saving those items and what i felt at the time. brrr – makes me shiver.

it’s so strange to look back and see how i have… not necessarily “grown,” but “evolved,” as a person. so many things remain unchanged, but now i see things through the eyes of a slighter older, slightly more experienced person.

here’s my first-ever [extremely pathetic] entry:

september 23, 1995 – well, just today i got this “multi-purpose” book from charlene… charbug is such a sweetie! :) well, it’s about 9:30 p.m. on saturday, and we in fact just got off the phone with charlene! and just a couple seconds ago i started crying, because i miss char so much. whenever we all talk on the phone, i never know what to say and it’s just not the same as when she’s here in person… you know? i also feel terribly bad because char challenged me to read a proverb a day… but i always find a reason no to. it’s weird… i <3 god so way much… but when it comes to reading the bible and going to church, i, well, feel so guilty because i just get a “go away” attitude. i know that if i wanna change i have to take the initiative; but it’s so much work and i start getting lazy and don’t want to bother, or sometimes i feel like being kinda bad. does that make sense? well… i’m gonna go. gosh… i’m sure having a lot of stress about school (biology!) these days! oh well.

and a few more tidbits:

4.1.97 – i just feel so lonesome & hopeless, like there’s no way out! i know i could take a hold of my life, but it would take so much work & effort! i don’t wanna start & just end up quitting again! :P =sigh= i can still identify, although i might use a different set of words.

3.3.98 – i hate myself. filled a whole pages with this, over and over and over… and in a cool pattern!

02.24.01 – haven’t written in this thing in ages; oh gosh, more than two years, to be exact. one might assume just start a new journal, since i’ve essentially started a new life, but i just assume fill up these pages first. (pause) even tho so much has happened over my silence, i am at a loss for words, for so many things have not changed, and that’s a sobering, scary thing. you would think that as one gets older, she would dismiss her petty worries and focus on things that really matter. but, unfortunately, some things never change. i am still me at heart, and that means a never-ending struggle with myself (my existence, importance, appearance, etc.) and god. =sigh= i am so sick @ heart for who and what i am, and the lives that are affected by that. (pause) i can see myself heading off into this exhausting, never-ending analysis of my issues and all that happy nonsense… but i do that all the time, every day, and it’s all i’ve done in the past, every day, and in this journal, every page… and how come i can’t reach a conclusion? perhaps i’m just scared, because i know the answer and don’t want to face it. but no, not more analysis, okay? i’m sick of it. karla is sick. of everything. and things will remain that way. for whatever reason. i still don’t understand. never will. still hate myself and wish i were dead, but it’s not that simple. ohmigod, how i wish i could just disappear. what’s the point, what’s the point?

11.06.05 – wow, i thought i had written in this thing more recently, but i guess not. i know i always say it, but how time flies. sometimes you think you won’t make it through the day, the week… but then a week becomes a month, and a month a few months, and before you know it, another year has gone by. and yet i still feel pretty much the same, maybe worse for the wear, but definitely not wiser… i am very unhappy and discontent at this stage in my life… i guess i’m doomed to forever feel this way. what a fucking waste… i don’t know how to be happy – “joyful” – while enduring these negative things… ironically, one of the only things that seems to be going well these days is my job…

the final page actually isn’t at the end up the book, since i started pasting postcards and other various items from the back of the journal. it will feel odd writing in this for the last time, and it will take a while and some searching before i purchase another paper journal.

charlene and her boyfriend, jon, announced recently that they [finally!] got engaged, and since they’ll be having a little shindig at their providence apt. before heading off to cali (for good??), she was on my mind, and i thought it would be neat reminding her of her gift ten years ago, and letting her know it’s been put to good use. *grin* (yeah yeah yeah, that was a major run-on sentence.)