These days I start to pray, and I don’t know what to say. I feel the need to lean on God more than ever, but at times I don’t know exactly what I’m putting my faith in. He promises to take care of us, that we don’t need to worry about anything, that He won’t give us more than we can bear, that in all things He works for the good of those who love Him.
Well, let me be honest – right now, I do worry and I don’t feel very taken care of and my heart is breaking under the burden of grief and it doesn’t seem like things are working out for “good.”
But I suppose that’s what faith is all about. Who are we to question the Maker of heaven and earth? His ways are not our ways; we don’t always understand how He works. It’s so easy to doubt and question when we just don’t get it.
Last week, my twin brother and sister-in-law, Jenn, lost their sweet baby Astrid, born into Heaven, just a few weeks away from her due date. Labor and delivery took a few days, and throughout the whole time I was praying praying praying, thinking that if I just believed and had violent faith, it would all be fixed. God can do miracles; I just needed to have faith – God can do anything! He would come through. Astrid was sleeping – He would wake her up and she would come out wiggling and crying and into the arms of parents who have wanted her for so long.
She didn’t wake up.
When I heard the news, I cried out, “no, no, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen!” God was supposed to take care of everything and make it all better. How could He allow this to happen, to let this sadness rain down upon us? I felt like He had answered a prayer for a baby when she was conceived, then took it away before it was even her time to be born.
I was crushed when we lost Shiloh, and it has taken me time to move on. I will never forget the loss, always feel like someone is missing from our family, but it has gotten better. This sudden tragedy has rekindled and magnified that grief – the lost future, things that will never be, cousins who will never be together on earth. Oh, I just want to hold that sweet baby and watch her grow up! The loss of Astrid has touched more people than I can imagine. One of the things I kept praying over and over while waiting for Astrid to be born was that I didn’t want Dan and Jenn to feel such pain and sadness – “don’t let them go through this pain, Lord, please please please.” But His ways are not our ways. Faith.
I wish I could make it all better. But apart from sharing in this burden, it’s not up to me to make it go away and deny the work that God is doing and the glory that will come from it all. Dan and Jenn have exemplified such strong faith throughout all of this; their story is a testimony to myself and others.
Recently, they wrote Astrid’s beautiful story to share with others. Please take a moment to read about the short, precious life of Astrid Katherine Sorensen, who has already touched so many people.