Moms are Mighty

As a mother, I often get bogged down in the day-to-day stuff.  Most days I feel very alone – wondering how can I wash the same clothes over and over, how can I clean up the same messes that I’ve told my children not to make, how will I survive the day when it’s only ten o’clock in the morning and my patience is already worn thin, when will I have time to do anything else.

Oh, and try to do everything without scarring my children for life.  So often I question myself.  Am I talking too much, not enough?  Should I explain myself or just say “no.”  Do I try and plan an activity for my children or let them amuse themselves?  Am I feeding them right?  Am I being frugal?  Am I making them feel loved even though I feel like I’m YELLING all the time?  Will they grow confident in their abilities?  Will they learn enough since I’m homeschooling?  Tell me again why I’m homeschooling!?  Will they become good people?  Will other people like them?  Will I ever get any sleep?  Can I stand wiping another runny nose today?  Am I worrying too much?!

The list goes on and on…

Just today I was telling Phil that there are times – like when you’re looking out at the vast ocean, seeing a beautiful sunset, even witnessing something tragic like the Boston bombings – when you’re able to put everything into perspective.  Sometimes it really hits me – my life is just a little blip on a timeline and I want it to count; in the grand scheme of things these little every day challenges aren’t a big deal.  Even more so, I should be grateful for them!  But when you’re in the midst of them – when you’re trying to sleep at two o’clock in the morning and your 3-month old is awake all you care about is getting sleep!  - it’s hard to keep your head in the game.  When your kids have been playing tag team all day, taking turns fighting and complaining, it certainly doesn’t feel like a good place to be.

I saw this video on New Nostalgia, one of the blogs I frequent.  It reminded me that being a mom is one of the best jobs there is; it may not be the easiest, but it’s the most rewarding.

Lisa-Jo Baker also has some free printable bookmarks to go along with this video.

And being a mom has made me appreciate my own mom – and mothers everywhere – so much more.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there!

Downtime

Our computer crashed about two weeks ago and I was without Internet the whole time.  *gasp!*  Yes, it’s true – and I survived!  I did feel somewhat disconnected since I rely mostly on e-mail for communication, and there are some blogs I frequent, but for the most part it was a refreshing change.

In fact, I find it refreshing whenever I go without some of the technologies we take for granted and rely so heavily upon these days.  Aside from the initial withdrawal, it’s so much more relaxing when I’m not getting sucked into the mindless vortex that eats away at my time and energy, stealing my focus away from more important matters.

Trying to keep a balance between activity and rest, going out and staying in, can be difficult – especially when the weather is nice and you feel the need to get outdoors, just go somewhere.  We have our usual errands – grocery shopping and library run – and I often incorporate a stop at the playground and a picnic, if I’ve been able to plan ahead and pack supplies.  The kiddos and I have been going to the zoo every chance we get, making good use of our family membership.  We met up with Auntie Nikki and Elijah last time, which was a nice treat.  Nikki should be having her baby this month, and I’m always thinking this may be the last time I see her before she has her baby!  I can’t wait to meet him/her (she has a feeling it’s a girl this time around, and I’m hoping she’ll get to use all of Gwen’s baby clothes).   

I was so disappointed that I had to return Simplicity Parenting.  I had renewed it, but there was a request on it so I couldn’t renew it a second time.  If I can find my notes on the last chapter I read I may be able to drum up some thoughts when the book club discusses the fifth chapter.

Since I had returned the book and didn’t have another waiting to be read, I was excited when I found Dead Reckoning, the latest novel in the Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire series by Charlaine Harris.  My brother had initially given me the first two or three books in the series when they came out, and I’ve kept up with each release.  I like the earlier books in the series best, although there are some interesting twists and turns the more you read.  I was intrigued when I heard about True Blood, the TV show based on the series, but after watching two of the seasons on DVD I was disappointed at the liberties they’ve taken with the storyline (or maybe it’s been too long since I read them).  Without the computer to occupy my time, I finished the book in a few days.

We used to frequent the local Christian bookstore growing up, and my mom always let me pick out one or two books, knowing how much I loved to read.  One of my all-time favorite series is Mark of the Lion, by Francine Rivers.  I’ve read it a number of times already, but started reading the first book again and always enjoy the read.  My sister-in-law has been reading the Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling, raving how much better they are than the films, so I’m thinking I may cave and start reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – though I have my reservations about it feeling like a children’s story. 

The garden is growing by leaps and bounds!  I’ve started harvesting spinach and salad greens, and having fresh fixins with dinner makes me feel so warm and fuzzy and healthy inside!  I can’t wait till the other veggies are ripe and ready. 

It has been warm and humid lately, and one day in desperation I broke out a big tupperware bin and filled it with water for the kiddos.  It was  a huge hit!  We have a kiddy pool, but I didn’t feel like blowing it up just then. 

One of my favorite things to do on a hot day when I was a kid was to run through a sprinkler - but ours broke last year. :(  I asked Phil if we could turn one of his blue tarps into a slip ‘n’ slide, but he said the texture was too rough.  My sister-in-law assures me that all I need to do is add some dish soap to make it slippery, so I may just try it one of these days.  Anything to get the kids out of the house and cool off on a hot day!   

When the kids are especially well-behaved, I like to reward them with some sort of treat – a living room picnic and a movie, dessert, staying up a bit later than usual to read more stories, whatever.  Well, Summer is the perfect time for just such a treat. 

What is it about the seasons that make you crave their offerings?  In Autumn I long for apple cider, apple crisp, and pumpkin lattes.  In Winter it’s hot chocolate and all manner of warm comfort foods.  In Summer I want smoothies, salad, fresh fruit, Del’s, and ice cream.  Since we’re avoiding refined foods this is definitely an occasional treat; a pity that the ice cream shop is just down the road. *sigh*

Memorial Day saw me and the kiddos visiting my grandparents’ grave with my parents.  My mom - big on genealogy – plants flowers at many of the family graves at cemeteries throughout the state.  After we planted flowers, we wandered through the cemetery, looking at the beautiful inscriptions and admiring the decorations.  It was somewhat surreal, watching Gwendolyn and Josiah tread happily over the ground that holds so many loved ones that have passed away. 

We have once again been reacquainted with Internet, and I’m trying to recover all my “favorites” files that were lost – all those links for recipes, articles, stores, ideas, arrrrgh!  I can’t believe June is upon us already, Father’s Day and 4th of July fast approaching.

Do you have any Summer plans?  How do you make the most of your downtime?  

Anticipating Easter

My second-favorite holiday after Christmas would have to be Easter – and how appropriate!  On Christmas we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and on Easter we rejoice in the fact that He died on the cross for our sins and rose again on the third day.  But aside from the religious aspects… I just love the springy atmosphere that surrounds the season!  Trees are budding, flowers blooming, birds chirping, everything seems brilliant and alive.  Almost as though all of nature is celebrating with us.

Christmas gets most of my attention when it comes to decorating.  The only things I really have for Easter decorations are some baskets from years prior and Easter grass that I saved.  I like the idea of having a perpetual window display that changes with the seasons, using natural elements for decoration - for Spring, think bright yellow hyacinth, pussy willow, twigs and branches with eggs and birdies hanging from them.  For now, I’m chalking it up to good intentions.  And the Valentine’s Day heart strings look so pretty where they are, I hate to take them down… 

I am excitedly contemplating these ideas for simplifying spring baskets, but for now I’m gonna go with some of the cheap-o plastic eggs.  The kids  love ‘em!  Josiah concentrates so hard trying to get one open, and gets so excited when he succeeds.  

Growing up, it was tradition for my grandparents to hide Easter baskets for us around their home.  We would go over for Sunday dinner, casually looking around for where they might be hidden as soon as we walked in the door (but not officially looking for them until it was time).  Each one had a name written on it, and if we found someone else’s, we couldn’t say anything.  The baskets usually contained jelly beans and foil-wrapped eggs, and along with the goodies our parents bestowed upon us, the sibs and I would have little pow-wows and trade our wares.  If I remember correctly, the crispy chocolates were one of the more coveted items, while the mini jelly beans were low on the totem pole.   

These chick and carrot containers are like the ones I used to announce our pregnancy with Gwen on Easter of 2007 *sigh*        

I’m always conscious of what kind of example we’re setting for our children, what traditions we want to start or continue on with them.  I always associate special occasions with treats of the edible variety, something I’ve been trying to get past in my mind.  It’s nice to have treats once in a while, but I don’t want every special occasion to mean SUGAR. 

So… what to put in the Easter eggs?  I like the idea of gifting something that was already on the shopping list anyway.  I got Gwen a small bottle of nail polish (mermaid blue – I’m so borrowing this) from ecomom; I got a 50% off voucher to their website from Mamapedia recently and had to pick this up.  It fit nicely in one of the carrot containers.

And it won’t fit in an egg, but I got her a book about a newfound favorite…

The kiddos have more than enough toys, of course, but it occurred to me that – while Gwen has some small plastic horses and other barn animals – Josiah doesn’t have anything like that.  So I got a tube of plastic dinosaurs from Joanne’s (yay for 50% off coupons).  The smaller ones fit inside the eggs, and the larger ones fit inside the chickies. 

The kids love putting money into their piggy banks, so I got a bunch of coins from the change jar to put in some of the eggs.  They’re nice and jingly.  Which reminds me of an idea for recycling plastic Easter eggs – make music shakers out of them, like little maracas.  Our library has something similar for storytime, and they have music symbols stamped on them.

 

And last-but-certainly-not-least, I did get some goodies for the eggs.  I picked up a bag of peanut M&Ms, justifying them due to the protein content (and also because Phil mentioned he would love to have some for snacking at work).  I also got a bag of organic lollipops, but since these won’t fit in the eggs I’ll have to do something else with them.  I’m hoping to find some natural fruit jelly beans, but I could also just get some dried fruit or other more healthy snack, since the kids love it just as much.

Phil and I have thrown around the idea of hiding the eggs for the kids to find, sort of like a scavenger hunt, but that just means one more thing for me to organize.  Meh.  We’ll see. 

Last year, Gwen made Resurrection Eggs at her grandmother’s church, and we plan on using these again this year to tell the kiddos about the true meaning of Easter.  The ones she made have pictures taped to the outside, but I’m going to actually put the elements inside and number the eggs in order – e.g. a leaf for the palm branch, piece of purple cloth for the robe the soldiers put on Jesus, a cross for when He was crucified, a nail for His wounds, a stone to symbolize His tomb, and so forth.  

It just so happens that we have a book called Benjamin’s Box that goes along perfectly with the Resurrection Eggs.  I had put it away with some of our other books, always forgetting to take it out for Easter, and was pleasantly surprised to find out it can be used in conjunction with the eggs.

This is always a busy time of year – Phil’s birthday is coming up, Palm Sunday and Easter, and I always look forward to attending a May Breakfast (a New England tradition, I believe), especially since my Mom and one of my brothers share a birthday on May 1st.

What do you look forward to this time of year?  What are some of your Spring/Easter traditions?

Shared at the Meaningful Easter blog hop at 

Encouragement

Isaiah 40:28-31
… The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the
earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of
the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their
surging.

Went to see my grandfather in the hospital last night – it was so upsetting. Grandma R., Mom, Dad, and Paul were there. It was so hard to see Grandpa like that – he had just come out of emergency surgery because he couldn’t breathe (not sure if it was related to his neck injury or not, but they can’t begin to fix that until he’s stable), and he was all swollen, somewhat bloody, seemingly not with it (although I was told he could understand – he kept nodding and shaking his head when he was asked questions). Had to leave the room because I was crying; some encouragement I am.

I just saw him last weekend for his birthday, and he was fine, you know? He’s such a sweet, amazing man, with a heart for God, his family, other people – he prays for so many people every day. I feel bad for my grandmother who has to see this; I hope she doesn’t feel guilty, I hope he’s not scared. I don’t know what to say.

This morning, my mom told us that my other grandmother is in the hospital – she had a heart attack. *sigh* Why does everything happen all at once? Suddenly, housework and dishes and my weight don’t seem to matter.

winds of change – a LONG update

Lately I’ve been wrestling with some important issues; it feels as though I’m being attacked on all sides – both spiritually and emotionally. Being a woman, any number of things can bother me at a given moment, because to me everything is somehow related. However, there is usually any one issue that stands out from the others and plagues me, until I find a temporary solution or am otherwise distracted from my plight.

I’ve had to do some serious soul-searching, and I don’t necessarily like what I see. And not in an insecure, unconfident sort of way – just being honest about my shortcomings. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been an intellectual sort of person. Not smart, per se, but thoughtful – I tend to analyze and internalize anything and everything. Due to the many facets of my inconveniently complex personality, there are many inherently negative things which come naturally to me: doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, and intolerance, just to name a few. These traits affect both my personal and spiritual lives; but then, can you really separate the two?

Growing up, my father used to tell me to “just be happy.” He seemed to think I could decide to pick myself up out of whatever depression I had sunk into; I don’t know if I have ever suffered a chemical imbalance, but I do know there were times when I didn’t want to live anymore. And you want me to… how did you put that? – “just be happy”? It angered me to no end.

My parents and I got together for dinner a couple weeks ago, and somehow over the course of the conversation it turned into “what’s wrong with Karla.” We talked about a number of the choices I’ve been contemplating for my future, how things are in my relationships, some of the things that plague me spiritually, and it pretty much boiled down to (in my father’s estimation) changing my perspective and not being so negative.

* * * long pause * * *

Okay-y-y…

Ask me what I want to be when I “grow up,” and I have no idea. Where do I see myself in five, ten years? The exact same place, just… older, possibly fatter, bitter? I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t have hopes and dreams, but I don’t necessarily have much hope that they will come to fruition. I have a number of talents – or, rather, hobbies and inclinations, because I don’t excel at any one thing. I don’t have the time, money, and energy to focus on one [possible business] endeavor because if it doesn’t work out, it will have been a waste. I can’t afford to make the investment on a hope and a prayer. My father interjected that you need to look at it (“it” meaning anything in life) as an “adventure”… but that line of reasoning doesn’t always work when you have something to lose, when it’s not really enjoyable or if what you’re embarking upon is painful in some ways.

As it usually does when talking about the future – the great Unknown – the topic of “faith” cropped up. I’ll admit that this is one concept I’ve always been… leery of. I have faith in some key things – c’mon, we all had to memorize John 3:16, right? But knowing and believing are really two different things, I feel. When you truly believe something, it’s evident in your life, and my life is seriously lacking. In an ironic twist of fate – one I have a hard time grasping – the very being and personality that God gave me finds it hard to believe and accept key teachings. Yeah, I’ve read the verses that I’m “fearfully and wonderfully made,” should be “anxious for nothing,” and “have not because I ask not,” but they don’t really make sense to me (especially if I feel I’ve tried to put them into practice). I get the ideas, but not the manifestations of those beliefs, such as a “peace that passes all understanding.” If I’m going through a rough time, and someone quotes a verse that is supposed to be encouraging, or a characteristic of God that should speak to me, I [oftentimes unintentionally] respond with “yeah, but…”

I have the hardest time not being able to accept that God loves me (at least like He says He does) and wants the best for me – sometimes I think He’s to blame for the bad things that happen in my life, simply to use my insignificant existence as an example… or maybe just for a laugh. I think of the many times I sincerely prayed, asking for any number of things: deliverance from the “thorn(s) in my side,” if not deliverance then somehow acceptance, understanding, increased faith… to be completely honest, I’ve come from this history feeling like there’s – personally – no power in prayer. Now, I know that we’re supposed to pray, and I know we can’t expect God to answer immediately and in the way we want – but why am I not attuned to His workings, if indeed He is working in my life? Sometimes I think I have no Spirit in me, and that’s scary.

Anyway… over dinner with my parents, we went in a circle – self, relationships, career, God – with this reasoning, pretty much all the same convoluted mindset at the helm. Recently, I’ve had the overwhelming sense, this suffocating urgency, to snap out of it. And I think to myself, But I wanted it before, prayed about it time after time, in tears, leaving it all in Your hands, and to no avail – I’m meant to stay this way. =sigh=

I have been doing a couple Bible studies – one that Philip is doing with me, targeting the self-esteem issue; the other is a Beth Moore study called The Patriarchs: Encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob that I’m doing with my mom and a group of other women at Christ Church. I wasn’t too excited about the former, because it deals with an issue that is so engrained into every particle of my being and the whole process is frustrating and painful. I didn’t have high expectations for the latter, especially upon hearing the title – I thought it was supposed to be about and for women! Well, it has already exceeded my expectations, and is in many ways relevant to this point in my life.

Not only have honest family discussions and Bible studies spoken to me of the some of the things that need to change, but right alongside these issues we have the ever-present symptom of low self-esteem: I hate my appearance. Even being objective, I know there are things I need to change – things that will take a lot of effort on my part. I’m hoping to get serious once and for all and deal honestly with what bothers me. Some things I can change, some I can’t, but I want to know I gave it my all. This entails, in part, buckling down and confronting some of the underlying issues – my annorexic/bulimic mindset, relationship with food, willingness/determination to adhere to certain guidelines, etc. Just the thought of the thought is mentally exhausting!

I’m hoping that the initial resistance I feel, the intense emotional turmoil, is just the beginning of a major work God will do in me. The other night – the night we did the introduction to the self-esteem Bible study – I was so discouraged at the walls seeming to close in on me, I just broke down. I can’t handle this all on my own, it’s too much for me. Why all at once? I humbly ask you to pray for me – however you feel led. I learned today that not only does God want us to pray, he values our opinions. Imagine that!

I want to be able to smile even when life throws me a curveball. I want to be able to smile and mean it.