Eleven Years

When we planned our wedding for September 15, 2001 we had no idea we would share the week of our wedding with what would forever be known simply as “9/11.”  I felt guilty getting married; it seemed so trivial in comparison to what was happening in the nation at the time, but life goes on.

And life has flown by for eleven years!  Like so many things – school, children, etc. – the moments can at times crawl by and it seems like we’ll be stuck in a situation forever, but then we look back and wonder where all that time went.

Phil and I are always joking, “how did we end up together?”  When he says I’m a city girl and he’s most definitely a redneck; when I love mushrooms and olives and he can’t get them past his throat; when I’d rather read or craft and he’d rather tinker on rusty junk.  But the important things – our belief in God and family, our appreciation of nature, the blessing of our children and the desire to raise them as best we can, our love for each other - these are what we have in common. 

Oh, and we both love cheese.  And bacon.  And going to bed really early because we’re both old farts.  I ask him, ”what time will we go to bed when we really are old farts?”  It also helps that we make an effort to spend time together and we each think the other is HOTT (although I know he has poor eyesight).  

This week Phil took me by complete surprise and actually planned something for our anniversary!  He’s on shift today, but on Thursday while the kids were with their grandmother he and I took a day-trip to Nantucket Island, MA where we spent our honeymoon (and where I worked during high school, squirrelling away money that would eventually go for a down payment on our home).

We visited some of the same places as last time and had fun discovering new ones.  I got enough exercise to last for the rest of the year, wandering down cobblestone side streets and toting our lunch to a “just-around-the-next-corner” beach.  My poor back, hips and legs aren’t too happy with me right now but we had a great time.  I wish we could do things like that more often!

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.”
Song of Solomon 8:7a

Celebrating Ten Years & a Mini Scrapbook Album

Last week Phil and I celebrated ten years of marriage – woot!  Makes me feel like I should have some advice for all the newlyweds out there.  Truth is, I’m still taking it one day at a time, learning new things as I go.  You can’t possibly know everything there is to know about someone before you marry them – and this can be a good thing!

It’s strange to forever associate or wedding day with 9/11.  Yup – we got married on the 15th of September, just a few days after the attack on the Two Towers.  At our reception, we honored my grandparents on their 60th anniversary, who got married the same year as Pearl Harbor.  I felt so guilty getting married, continuing with my life almost as though nothing had happened.  But you know what?  Life Goes On.  There were a number of friends and family members who were unable to attend our wedding due to the lack of flights, and it’s a good thing we had already planned on honeymooning in nearby Nantucket, MA because we wouldn’t have been flying anywhere.

I spent my anniversary by myself.  Phil was working a 24-hour shift, and Meme had the grandkids.  I didn’t really know what to do with myself!  Were it my birthday, I may have done a little shopping, maybe gotten a small box of chocolate truffles.  I felt the need to somehow celebrate, but it didn’t feel right without my husband.  In honor of the fact that I had a carrot cake muffin on my wedding day, I had a piece of homemade carrot cake (recipe courtesty of Nourishing Traditions) and got an iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts.  Then I drove around aimlessly, trying to figure out what to do. 

Later in the day, I decided to whip up a homemade gift for Phil.  I’m usually on top of these things – and had already gotten a special package deal from Omaha Steaks through Plum District -  but I like to do something special if I can.  Last year for Valentine’s Day I made a little love book from a deck of cards, so my idea for making a love jar filled with 365 thoughts and sentiments felt a bit too similar.  Instead, browsing around and inspired by some of my favorite craft sites, I decided to make a simple scrapbook album with one picture for each year of marriage. 

I didn’t go crazy matching and coordinating elements, but it still took a while to pick the pictures, print them, cut and assemble the book.  I interspersed the photos with the Bible verses, songs, and readings from our wedding, along with a couple others to fill the book.  I like how it turned out!    

We walked down the aisle, each of us escorted by our parents, to Bebo Norman’s A Page Is Turned.

My sister sang I Will Love You, by Kathy Fisher.  I forget where I first heard the song, but I fell in love with it and had to have it in the ceremony. 

One of my favorite passages in the Bible about the passion between husband and wife is in Song of Solomon, when the writer says “Arise, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me… My lover is mine and I am his… Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.”

Another favorite verse about love, loyality, devotion is found in Ruth chapter 1 – “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you.  Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God…”

We danced our first dance to Kenny Chesney’s “Me and You,” special to us since we dated and fell in love listening to his songs.

I don’t remember where I found it or who said it, but I put the following quote in one of our wedding albums.  It really resonated with me; there were some people who tried to discourage our relationship, tried to tell us how our relationship should look, and when it all comes down to it it’s between us and God. 

“Marriage is the clasping of hands,
the blending of hearts,
the union of two lives as one.
Your marriage must stand,
not by the authority of the state
nor by the words of the minister,
But by the strength of your love
and the power of faith
in each other and in God.”

Thankful & Unafraid

Sometimes I’m afraid to be happy, truly thankful, when something good happens.  I’m painfully aware that I haven’t been joyful through the storm and I’m ashamed of the contrast.

I have often feared that God toys with me, uses me as His plaything, or if nothing else uses me as an example of what happens to disobedient children.  I cringe as I say this, knowing how silly it sounds; I know it’s not true, but there are times when I feel it.

When it felt like my marriage was falling apart shortly after Phil and I got married, when we couldn’t get pregnant year after year, dealing with a constant thorn in my side and pleading with God to remove the painful splinters I could feel all over.  There are endless reasons to feel that God doesn’t hear, doesn’t listen, doesn’t care.  He never promised that we would be free from hardship, and while He can see the Big Picture and knows what’s best for us, it’s easy to try and take control of the reigns and tell Him what He needs to do for me.

There are things I’m constantly struggling with, trying to improve upon.  I feel guilty for not taking the time every morning to spend time in the Bible, pray and talk to God.  My mommy check-list takes priority.  When things happen that make me question whether or not God’s really in control, I falter in my praise, my heart and hands are heavy and I don’t lift them in worship at church.  I know all about being refined by fire, but I balk at the process, not wanting to face one more thing that needs improvement.  I fail to keep it all in perspective.  As David Burchett puts it in his article on refinement, “There is no joy in the trial but there is joy in the knowledge of how God uses such events in our lives.”

When God “comes through” for us, I feel like, finally!  But then comes the fear, feeling that He will take His blessing away because I’ve handled the tough times so poorly.  I lost my one-day-a-week job at the end of December, and although Phil had been encouraging me to quit for a long time, I felt a little lost for not having made the decision when I was ready.  And really, I don’t know if I ever would have been ready to give up the security of providing financially for the family, even in the smallest measure.

Phil had been struggling with a bitter work situation, waiting patiently for God to open another door for him, give him a way out.  For a while now he has been trying to get on a paid fire department, taking courses, getting his EMT license, keeping his files up-to-date so he could apply when there was an opening.  Each time we got our hopes up, thinking this is it!  But each time the answer was no.  The last time the door was slammed shut in our faces, I took it hard.  My heart hurt deeply for my husband, knowing what a wonderful person he is and how hard he was trying to take care of his family.  I would get teary-eyed as Phil would pray at the dinner table, thanking God for his blessings and continued provision; he has always had big faith despite our situation, while I waver in the winds of doubt.  Even though my heart wasn’t always in it, I would insist God has something better, God has something better around the next corner – we just don’t know what or when it is. 

Much of life is spent waiting.  Waiting in line, waiting for dinner to cook, waiting for naptime and a much-needed break, waiting for a phone call or e-mail, waiting for an anticipated movie, waiting for love, waiting for more.  We were waiting on God, like we’ve done so many times.  He has proved time and time again that His timing is perfect (my children are perfect examples), and this was no exception.

Yesterday, Phil had his background check and physical for a fire department job he had applied for at the end of last year.  He had been “formally recommended” for the job last week, but was told it didn’t mean an offer for employment.  He found out the chief of the department had been trying to contact him to get his size for a new uniform even before all the paperwork was done, and I thought, doesn’t the chief have better things to do?  HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Phil has an official start date at the end of March.  He has been enjoying the downtime between jobs to focus on his own business as self-employed contractor and drum up side jobs, and this will afford him some time to tie up loose ends with current contracts.  He was also able to stay home and watch the kids a couple days while I was sick a couple weeks ago, something that wouldn’t have been a possibility were he working for someone else.  He’ll be on a paid fire department, we’ll have healthcare and dental! (we’ve never had dental), and he will have more time off to devote to his side jobs and spending time with the family.

We celebrated last night by going out to eat at a local pizza dive, and Phil was almost giddy.  He said he was most happy about being able to take care of his family in the long run.  Today, the kiddos are at Meme and Pepe’s for the day, and I’m in the unusual position of being by myself.  I made breakfast late, and I haven’t had to utter a single word since Daddy left with the kiddos left this morning.  Peace!  I wondered what to do today with all this free time, and decided to start with a couple devotional books.  I dusted them off the shelves, and read a few pages as I ate breakfast.

Phil gave me Hearing from God Each Morning last year, knowing how much I struggle with devotionals.  Gram gave me Fear Not Promise Book, and there were some verses about fear.  I like Phillipians 4:6-7:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

When fear rules our lives we worry and yearn for safety in things.  Max Lucado expounds:

“The fear-filled cannot love deeply.  Love is risky. 

They cannot give to the poor.  Benevolence has no guarantee of return.

The fear-filled cannot dream wildly.  What if their dreams sputter and fall from the sky?

The worship of safety emasculates greatness.  No wonder Jesus wages such a war against fear.”

God is good.  His timing is perfect, and we are taken care of.  Today I am thankful and unafraid.

Going at it like rabbits

Being pregnant opens up a whole new world of pet peeves – although I suppose they’re just expansions on general pet peeves. Such as rudeness, tactlessness, not knowing where the boundaries lay, and so forth. We had some, ah, er, shall I say “interesting” patients in the office on Saturday. Their visit is a story for another day, but let’s just say when I finally felt it necessary to reveal the fact that I’m expecting, one of them (after obligatory hugs, even though I don’t really know them) asked the inevitable, “Were you trying?”

Why why why is this an acceptable question to ask a woman?

If you say “yes,” then visions of you and your husband going at it like rabbits dance around in their heads, and it just seems too intimate to reveal any sort of details pertaining to your sex life (whether or not you had to have lots of sex to achieve the pregnancy). If you say “no,” then it’s all frowns and worrisome brows, and the next question comes up, “oh… are you happy about it?” Arrrrgh!

Said person asking said rude question then proceeded to tell me of her experience with breast feeding, how it’s painful and gave her cracked nipples and blah blah blah. Oh wait, I’m getting into the L-O-N-G story of their visit! Suffice to say, though they are Nice People, they are overly familiar and have no business sticking their noses in such places.

Secondly, on a somewhat different topic but still concerning kids and families in general – my mom gave me a Focus on the Family Action newsletter, which pertains to the fact that the government is trying to impose stricter taxes upon married couples and families in general. I have raved many times in the past how it seems too hard to raise a family these days, and now that we’ve started ours, I’m all the more anxious.

Listen to this: “… the Democratic Congress is seriously considering a series of sweeping tax increases that will make parenting even more difficult. Their proposal calls for an elimination of every tax cut in the past seven years, totaling $400 billion. It would slash the child tax credit in half, reducing it from $1,000 to $500. Death taxes would rise to the highest level ever, and tax brackets would increase substantially in every bracket, even for low-income families. These ‘working poor’ would be assessed a staggering 15 percent! Whatever happened to the promise that only the ‘rich’ would be hit? Instead, there will be tax increases for absolutely everybody.

“The most onerous of the proposals is the re-imposition of the ‘Marriage Penalty Tax,’ which for 32 years (1969 to 2001) forced moms and dads to pay federal income tax at a higher rate than unmarried people living together out of wedlock. Does this make any sense whatsoever? The public should be up in arms by the mere suggestion of this assault in the financial viability of the home!”

The newsletter goes on, and it’s rather disparaging. How can we raise a generation of healthy, godly children if we a) can’t afford to have them in the first place, b) can’t afford the necessary care and items for their wellbeing, and c) can’t even spend quality time with them because we’re no doubt forced to work outside the home? If the government would cut back on its exorbitant spending to research the… the… the… I dunno, lifespan of a May fly or the outrageous idea of building a space elevator, we wouldn’t be in this position! I am SO PISSED.

counselling

yesterday i went to christian hill community church (formerly new song) with philip for the first time in a long time. it was their first service in the new, official, church building, and it was really exciting – even though i don’t really know anyone personally and feel apart of the congregation. it was just exciting to see all the energy, all the happiness at seeing ten+ years of ministry for the pastor, his wife, and the congregation manifested in such a fashion.

the singing – my favorite time of the service – was filled with such exuberance, such passion, i felt like i was missing something. i don’t think i will ever have the spiritual relationship that some of those people have – and i don’t know that we’ll all reach that level of maturity, spiritual depth, whatever. sure, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive… but nonetheless.

we [finally] spoke to the couple who heads up the marriage counselling, and they’re supposed to get back to philip this week to set up an apointment. =sigh= i’m so nervous! now that we’ve actually got the ball rolling, i’m terrified. i don’t even know them, and i’m not sure where they’ll start or what questions they’ll ask. from what i do know about them, they seem like terrific people – but it’s different when you’re dealing with someone on such a personal level. i keep going over and over different scenarios in my head, and i don’t like any of them. =deep sigh= am i in over my head? please pray for me – for both of us. much appreciated.