Vision

A couple years ago I watched The Secret.  Whereas I disagreed with the basic concept of attracting health, wealth, and success merely through the “law of attraction,” it did get me thinking about making some sort of vision board.

I’ve done similar things in the past – basically cutting out pictures, quotes, ideas; things I aspire to, want to create, become, focus on.  Hopes, wishes, dreams.  I didn’t get around to putting these things up on my bulletin board this time around, as it’s already chock-full of coupons, recipes, pictures, library reminders, local ads, and so forth.  But last night I was going through my binder, and I came across the envelope where these aspirations were enclosed.

I smiled as I went through them.  First, I came across my Gratitude list:
I am so grateful for…
… Philip – my loving accepting husband
… Gwendolyn – my precious baby girl
… Nikki – my kindred spirit
… family – for all their faults they are there through thick and thin
… Jesus – all the He has done for me and continues to do despite me
… my material blessings – which nurture us and enable us to nurture others
… other friends – knowing someone is just a phone call or e-mail away and has my best interests at heart (Jenn, Kim, Jen, Kat)
… my job – flexible, able to take Gwen with me, nice boss, only employee, contributes to finances
… my abilities – though I may not know what my “Gift” is, I have many pursuits and interests that come in handy and allow me to create
… nature – its beauty and revelation of God

Second, my Asking for & believing will come list:
-to eventually open my own business
-to be a stay-at-home mommy before the Summer
-to fine a niche in which I can make money from home
-to have at least $150,000 to pay off our mortgage (I know, HA!)
-to gain a faster metabolism, burn off these pounds, and reach at least 130
-to get bigger breasts (I can hope, right?)
-to eat healthily and become more active
-to be healed inside of any chemical/hormonal imbalances, restore the proper cycle, and have clear skin-to get pregnant this year and have another baby – a boy this time!
-to spend more time with Phil and grow in love and understanding
-to get a new bedroom set
-to get 2 new vehicles
-to go away at least once a year
-to get a Sleep Number mattress
-to homeschool Gwen

Along with these lists I have a bunch of words, phrases, and pictures that I cut out of magazines.

 
*smile* CHECK.

I’m definitely not where I want to be, but I’ve made so much progress in this area. *exhale* CHECK.  Ironically, as I was going through these pictures last night, I noticed I was wearing orange pants with white stripes down the sides (see pic).  HA!

I so want to be a good Mommy to my children, but when I cut out this picture I only had Gwendolyn.  Now, she’s a beautiful, bright 3-year-old, and we haven’t killed each other yet.  That’s progress in my book!  Hesitant CHECK. *grin*

Phil is my favorite person, the love of my life, and I always yearn for a better relationship with him (even when things are good). We’ve been through rough times, like every married couple, but we have made such progress in how we communicate and relate.  I can honestly say things are better and our relationship is deeper then when we first got married.  CHECK.

Of course, there are things I’m still waiting for…
 

 

 

Do you have a Vision?

Doing the Dishes

I started crying while reading Becky and Nichole’s respective dream posts. It made my own hopes and dreams seem so… minimal. I often wonder what I’m doing here in this world; these days I spend most of my time cleaning up, worrying about various crap, and it seems so pointless. Every day I pray that God will make me smarter than I am, give me wisdom and discernment, strength and courage and all the things I need to be a loving wife and mother (and friend and daughter and all the other hats I wear). And most days I feel like I fail miserably.

Exhibit A: Gwen refuses yet again to eat something I prepared, and I raise my voice and become impatient with her; ironically, whenever I do this, she thinks I’m playing with her. Sometimes this reaction infuriates me, other times it diffuses my anger.

Exhibit B: Hubby’s gone yet again, and I feel alone, and decide to eat a carton of ice cream. Damn this emotional eating that has forever plagued me. And the huge hips that have been growing the same amount of time.

Exhibits C and beyond are similar in nature.

I suppose it varies from day to day where my mind wanders. If I have a bad day, all my thoughts are doom and gloom, full of self-loathing and condemnation. Other times I may be more entrepreneurial (sp?)… but my realistic/pessimistic side usually pipes up with “that will never happen,” “where will you get the money?”, “as if!”

Regardless of the corresponding arguments, here are some of my lofty dreams:

1. I have always thought it would be neat to have my own business – bed & breakfast, coffee shop, cakerie, whatever. It would be neat to implement the talents and expertise of my friends and family, and now that I have Gwen, afford an opportunity to make money AND have my daughter with me. When we thought my aunt from MN might move to RI and buy my grandparents’ house, I was excited because she talked about opening a consignment shop, and recruiting my help. My salvation! I would have a relaxed job and not have to worry about having a babysitter every day! I suppose the ideal job would be from home – but I haven’t figured that one out yet.

2. Homeschool Gwen. The more I learn about the educational system, the more protective I become of her. I want to have a reading nook in the house, a kid’s table where she can color and do all sorts of projects. I want to have lots of educational toys for her – and keep all others to a minimum. I constantly question myself and my abilities… but I’m her mother and love her more than anyone else. I feel so inadequate, but I’m hoping I’ll learn and grow as she does, and be prepared by the times she’s school-aged. This is, of course, dependent on my job status. See? – my realistic side rearing its head.

3. I keep thinking three is a good minimum number of children. If you have one, she’ll be all by herself, perhaps somewhat spoiled; two, and they’re constantly at odds with one another. I come from a family of five, and while childhood wasn’t the rosiest of times, I love being from a big family. So – three is a starting point. Since we have ONE, I want to grow our family. Because of the blood disease I acquired from my pregnancy, this may prove difficult. We’re still struggling with this one. I like the idea of adoption – but am not too sure how it would play out in the real world. I don’t know what God has in store for us, but I know I would love to have more children (preferably babies, until I become more experienced with subsequent ages). I hope to start some meaningful traditions with our kids, while keeping some of the old; I constantly hope that our home will be a safe haven for our kids and extended family, that they will one day look back and feel loved and cherished, remebering and laughing about all the good times. I just want to do a good job! And not have to pay for therapy!

4. You know the line from “The Three Musketeers” when what’s-his-name says, “I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a musketeer,” something of that nature? Well, I feel like I think like a writer – even if I don’t necessarily get to putting all those thoughts down on paper, and can’t always find the right words to convey a particular idea or emotion. In essence, I may not write like a writer, but I believe I have the heart of a writer. *grin* My thoughts are often disjointed, so I probably wouldn’t be able to write a novel, but I’ve often toyed with the idea of writing a memoir. I get discouraged when I think of all the journals I have around the house, and how little time I spend writing in them – but I think about it! I am severely delinquent in recording my journey through motherhood – but I’m a little busy!

5. Since we’re trying to finish our house with a non-existent budget, and I’m always looking for thrifty ways of doing things, I am always wishing I were more creative, innovating and artistic. I would love to be able to take a piece of FREE or CHEAP junk and turn it into a piece of art with a coat of paint, a little sanding here and there. If I had the time I would love to scour antique shops, thrift stores, yard sales, whatever, and find all those good deals. I’ve often thought I would like to learn how to sew, knit, crochet, make my own clothes and curtains and pillows. Since I’ve tried beading, I would love to learn how to work with metal, make dichroic glass. I get so pressured under the weight and responsibility of buying gifts for and recognizing everyone’s special occasion, and it would be wonderful to be able to make a nice, quality, meaningful gift instead of rushing around, wasting time finding something in the stores.

6. I wish I could say I have all sorts of ministry and evangelistic ideas, but in truth, I’m clueless. I’ve always figured God uses me where he has me, and I just have to be kind and reach out to everyone in my day-to-day world. I am not missionary minded, though I support them; there is no one ministry that tugs at my heart, although echoing Becky’s sentiments I love the idea of supporting mothers. I am constantly wishing things for a better marriage – understanding, the same level of comittment, renewing our vows in a beautiful ceremony (I will NOT be wearing the same size), the desire to have a simple date night once a month and go to a marriage conference once a year, do a devotional together, spend some one-on-one time (without the kiddo)… yadda yadda yadda.

Well, I think any other of my notions falls into these categories. Sometimes in all this mental frivolity it seems I’m wishing to be a whole other person in a whole different situation, because it seems like that’s what it will take for any of this to happen. And then I realize I should just get back to doing the dishes…

Rambling Update

Hm, where do I start? First of all, a positive note: I finally got to see an endocrinologist yesterday, and I really like her. The office is right across the street from my ob-gyn, so even though I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find it (Tollgate Rd is swarming with office buildings), it was a piece of cake. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and when the doctor walked in I was pleasantly surprised. She’s a tall black woman, gorgeous skin and lips, and she was wearing regular clothes, so there was nothing overly professional and sterile-looking about her. She made me feel right at ease, asked a lot of questions, and really listened to what I had to say. Usually I feel like doctors try and rush me, give me some pat answer so they can get onto their next patient, and I didn’t feel like this at all.

I did feel a little bit like some of my concerns weren’t taken seriously, just because I might not be worst-case scenario. For instance, I’m not obese, but I am overweight for my height; and since my skin has definitely improved with treatment and I was wearing makeup, my tendency towards acne wasn’t as apparent as it has been in the past. Just some examples. But I got a whole bunch of blood drawn today, and they’re gonna run some tests and I find out next month what the results are.

We attended a funeral yesterday afternoon. It was for Phil’s sort-of-adopted-grandfather, so I really didn’t know him, but felt obliged to attend. I felt weird the whole time, while Phil’s family knew everyone and had something to say. We went to the wake Monday, the funeral service yesterday morning, then drove to the cemetery for his… I don’t know what it’s called… Army salute? At the end, when they fired the shots off and payed him tribute, I felt like I absorbed everyone’s grief. I had to rush to work to make it in time, and had a thoroughly depressing rest of the day.

When I got to work, there were a whole bunch of emergency phone calls, patients wanting to see the doctor ASAP for toothaches and what not. Especially as of late, I’ve felt extremely limited in my position in the dentist office. I don’t always know how to answer someone, and don’t want to make things worse by suggesting something from my limited knowledge. Well, I was juggling getting in touch with some of these patients. trying to squeeze them in and please anyone without cancelling other apts, and a patient called and said she had a “complaint.” I tried to be as pleasant and understanding as possible, but she basically told me I wasn’t doing my job, and if that I couldn’t handle her billing she would have to see another dentist.

*sigh* I ended up being right about what we were discussing, but she made me feel so puny, I almost started crying. How is it someone can totally ruin your day, even if you know they’re in the wrong? I didn’t want to keep insisting she was wrong, so I just tried to point out the facts… and she told me she spoke with someone else who confirmed that she as correct. Arrrgh. How do you deal with these difficult people? It could have just been a misunderstanding… but still.

Today, one of our patients left a message saying he had been to the oral surgeon to whom we had referred him, and that surgeon told him to get a root canal ASAP. Dr. H. rarely does root canals himself; he refers out. So I gave him the name of an endodontist (believe me, I get confused with all the different doctors myself… there are also periodontists!), and told him to bring the x-ray we initially gave him and relay what the oral surgeon told him. (takes a breath) Well… one of the staff at the endodontist office calls, says this patient called them, and asks me for more information on him. Um, well… I only knew so much, and basically said he had complained of pain, saw Dr. H. yesterday, was referred to an oral surgeon, who told him to get the root canal ASAP – so we referred him to YOU! Well… that wasn’t good enough, and I really had nothing else to tell them. There was nothing written in the patient’s folder to go on, I only knew the amount I knew because of what the patient told me over the phone and the fact that I gave him the endodontist’s name. Then it seemed like she was questioning why I referred him in the first place; she didn’t recognize Dr. H’s name – do we normally refer to them? Yes, in fact they’re the only endodontists to which our office refers. Well (again)… the patient calls me back and says they’re booked for three weeks and can’t make him an apt. Why didn’t they tell him this in the first place?! Because they just didn’t like what I had to tell them; I guess my limited knowledge didn’t qualify him as an emergency patient even though he was told to get this done. (sigh) Did you follow all that?

So today I was rather discouraged about two specific days in a row where I’ve felt extremely lacking. I decided to type up a – yay! – list of “professional” options I’ve been throwing around just so I could be honest with myself and see them all in front of me. Here’s that list, and the outcome isn’t very hopeful:

1) Office Manager – I could get a certificate for taking the Dental Office Management Program online at the Warschaw Learning Institue for $400, but would need full-time hours to qualify for non-DANB-certified assistants/office personnel exam (which would give further credentials for the position). Even as a secretary now, I feel extremely limited.

2) Dental Assistant - mostly likely entails full-time schooling (based on all I’ve found in my research with pre-reqs and credits needed), for which I can’t afford the time nor the money.

3) Coffee Shop - have neither the necessary management skills, nor the location and means to set up shop. Have gotten positive feedback and could research the field more, but feel I wouldn’t get the desired healp from my family.

4) Wedding Cakes - don’t have enough experience – take a class? The only place I’ve found that gives affordable classes is Michael’s, and I have a feeling these are rather novice in nature. Also, I don’t have a separate kitchen (plus other equipment and supplies) necessary for operating a baking business out of the home, and not sure what business costs would entail. Can be stressful, but with more education, the correct environment and tools – and a head for marketing – could be done. *sigh*

* What I can offer - organized, friendly, reliable, trustworthy, creative to an extent, ability and willingness to learn and excel, will go above and beyond especially if encouraged

* Shortcomings - no further education/degree, not much experience in any one thing, flexible to a certain degree (not willing to drop everything to come in at a moment’s notice – I have other priorities), hesitant until I feel comfortable, won’t overstep my boundaries (and do more than asked) if not welcome

* Want to stay away from - cleaning, waitressing, most counter help

I started feeling sick at work today, and that – coupled with all that’s on my mind – made me rather grumpy and impatient upon getting home. Phil asked me – again, after my apologetically explaining to him in detail why I was against the idea – whether or not I wanted to attend two fire department dinners. I told him I would rather not, but would if he wanted to. Of course he wants to! I feel I really need to adjust my attitude about this, but I don’t know how! I put up with not seeing him a lot, I make him goodies to take, I don’t criticize all the time he spends on it – although when his cell phone is constantly ringing even when he’s at home I tell him to turn it off, and he’s doesn’t care – I make pies for the membership dinner, ETC. Well… when I explained how uncomfortable I feel at these functions, how I have NOTHING to offer in the way of conversation because I have nothing to say about the politics and don’t think the guys should be gossiping about other things that are going on, he just didn’t get it. ALL they talk about is fire department STUFF, and even when we get together with his parents, that’s all they talk about (his father is chief now)… and I’m totally alienated. How do I become okay with this? HELP!

So that’s that. I’ve been having these constant eye twitches, and am not sure if it means anything. When I googled it, this is what I came up with: “Stress and anxiety can play a large roll in chronic eye twitching. Therefore, stress management skills may be one of the first treatments prescribed.” Hm, can we say “easier said than done?”

Halloween

I don’t celebrate Halloween, per se, but I do enjoy the candy aspect (and if there’s an excuse, it can be fun dressing up). I didn’t want to sit around the house waiting for the one family of kids who makes the trek to our house each year – but, ironically, we will be staying in after all.

I thought it would be neat if the sibs got together, so they’re coming over here for grub ‘n’ such. Philip said we could have a huge bonfire, but not sure if that idea is still on the table. I stayed up last night making some of the food, even though the other peeps should be bringing pizzas.

I made what I like to call Oreo Grasshopper Truffles – really easy! Take a bag of Oreos (I used the Cool Mint variety, hence the “Grasshopper”), minus a few to crush for topping. Crush the remaining, stir in with a softened, 8 oz. bar cream cheese, and form into 1″-in-diameter balls (I chilled the mixture first, but I suppose it doesn’t matter). Melt a package of semi-sweet chocolate chips (I used the bakers’ squares since they were on sale, and added some shortening to thin it out somewhat), coat each ball, then sprinkle with some of the reserved topping. Let set – I use the fridge or freezer for this process, and it doesn’t take long at all. The recipe didn’t say whether or not they had to stay in the fridge, but mine are in there, just in case.

I also made S’Mores Squares, another easy dessert. I haven’t tasted it yet, but we’ll see. It consists of Nilla Wafers, Chocolate Pudding, White Chocolate Pudding, Cool Whip, mini marshmallows, and grated chocolate. It’s sitting in the fridge right now, and before serving I’m supposed to top with the marshmallows and place it under a broiler – but, to be honest, I’ve never been very good at the broil function of my oven. I thought that was what the bottom drawer was, but it never seems to work correctly. And I don’t want the pudding layers to melt! Ah, we’ll see.

Even though we’re having pizza, I decided to make some sort of pasta dish – guess we’ll be going Italian tonight. The lasagne noodles were on sale at Stop & Shop yesterday, but when I picked up the package I thought, “my, this seems really small.” It was the no-bake version, and I’m a bit apprehensive to see how it will turn out. It looks really yummy, aside from the fact that – in it’s current state – the lasagne are these thin, dehydrated boards. There’s plenty of cheese, though, and cheese makes anything taste better!

After making the truffles, I decided I wanted another candy-type item. I decided on fudge, but didn’t know what kind. Then I remembered the jug of maple syrup Philip got for me recently. I couldn’t find a suitable recipe in my cookbooks, so I got a simple one online, and began the process. It’s relatively easy – you just have to stir stir stir and watch the candy thermometer. When it was all said and done – it tastes maple-y, but it’s more like maple sugar than maple fudge, and I’m not sure if that’s how it was supposed to turn out.

Oh, I forgot – Nikki, I’m making the wontons! I got the wonton wrappers a couple of weeks ago at the store, already had some leftover cabbage from the last time I made them, and was already getting ground beef for the lasagne. I didn’t get green onions or water chesnuts, but they’ll still taste good. I hope. Laura is supposed to come early because she can’t stay for the rest of the evening, so maybe I’ll enlist her help in assembling them. It’s pretty easy – just time-consuming. It’s nice to have someone there to talk to. :)

Speaking of all this food… I know I’ve probably e-mailed most of you about this before, but just in case I forgot or you haven’t put your two cents’ in yet, I would like to know your opinion on the idea of my opening a cafe/bakeryish/giftish shop. Here’s the text of an e-mail I sent out recently (and thanks for all the feeback I’ve already received!):

“I am constantly trying to figure out what to do with my life, what I ‘want to be when I ‘grow up’,’ that sort of thing. It seems I have all these ideas, inspirations, but never enough time, money, and expertise. I keep tossing back and forth different ideas, but of course nothing ever happens.

It’s a dream of mine to open a family business. There are many resources, talents, within my immediate family, and who better to work with than those who understand the silly move lines I quote all the time? Hehe. And of course put up with my eye rolls and cynical tendencies. (pause) But I digress…

Long story short, I want to open a coffee shop/cafe. My idea is to sell all sorts of coffee-related beverages, tea, chai, hot chocolate, seasonal drinks (cider, smoothies, yadda yadda), baked goodies (some of ‘em homemade – perhaps branching out into sandwiches/wraps, salads, and other food foods), ‘penny’ candy (I LOVE candy, and am sadly aware of the lack of good candy stores in the area), and perhaps some other gift-y items (notecards, candles, blank journals, snazzy pens and bookmarks, perhaps some handmade/antique decorations, ETC.).

I have LOTS of ideas, and have been compiling a huge list. I would like your input on anything and everything. I know SOME of you have firsthand knowledge about running a business – hello, Ron and Jean! I don’t want it to turn into a restaurant, but of course there will be edibles. At any rate – any ideas/suggestions/inspiration/advice/constructive criticism you can share would be most helpful.

Some things to think about:
What are your favorite cafes/hangouts like? What do you look for? What’s your biggest complaint? What are the things that make you relax, put your feet up, sit back and enjoy that cup of coffee (perhaps go up and order another brownie)? Since I probably won’t be taking any business classes (at least, not in the near future), what are some shortcuts to learning the ropes – applying for licenses, coming up with a business plan, TAXES, best places to look for suppliers. What are some good ideas for promotions; what would be an incentive for you to come back or continue frequenting such a place? Which items would you be willing to pay more for if it’s good quality? What kind of atmosphere appeals to you the most? Are you particular about a certain brand of coffee/tea/whatever? Heard anything about awesome appliances/equipment (blenders, espresso machines, etc)? How important is the color/shape/weight/etc of your coffee cup? What else would you consider buying at a coffee shop, or what are some interesting items that you’d be pleased to find on sale (CDs, mugs, candy, trinkets…). ETC.

Lastly – (to my family especially) is this something you would consider helping/supporting? Would you be interested in investing some time to help out in this venture if it ever happened? Do you want to work at the counter and pour coffee? Hehe. Seriously.

If you know anyone else who could offer some advice, please pass along the message.’

Thanks!

Bucket List

SEE:
1. my family grow
2. the world beyond my own backyard
3. my friends and siblings find accomplishment, happiness, etc.

SMELL:
1. s’mores roasting when we go camping on our own
2. the autumn air with the same feeling of hope and expectation no matter how old i get
3. anything yummy baking and not feeling deprived

TASTE:
1. coffee in a cafe in paris
2. victory
3. real italian food

HEAR:
1. laughter as friends and family enjoy the hospitality in our finished home
2. philip tell me he understands, and he’s there for me no matter what
3. God speaking to me

TOUCH:
1. the hearts of others
2. nikki’s pregnant belly
3. a lion/tiger… or maybe a penguin!

LOVE MY:
1. self
2. situation, even if i can’t control or understand
3. job

LOVE:
1. everyone i meet, no matter what
2. God with all my heart
3. unconditionally

KNOW:
1. for sure
2. that it isn’t in vain
3. that i’m important, loved, needed