It’ll Grow Out

Whenever I contemplate getting a new haircut, I hem and haw over different styles, picking out pictures so I can best portray what I’m hoping to achieve.  Before I’ve even made a decision, I’ll have bad dreams about chopping all my hair off, consumed with an overbearing sense of misery and regret.  I end up pining for those long locks once again, and have instant haircutters’ remorse.  I wake up, relieved to find I still have my hair. 

Besides the pressure that comes with picking out a new haircut, knowing it will change how you come across to others and possibly how you perceive yourself, there’s also this feeling of potential.  This style would be so versatile, I could do this, I wouldn’t have to worry about that.  The world is my oyster! [pause] Okay, maybe not that much potential… but change, whether big or small, always carries with it a certain potential and the excitement of the unknown. 

Throughout the years I’ve had my hair all sorts of different ways.  Growing up, it grew past my butt; I would sit on it in class and the strands would get caught in the seat.  Ouch!  I loved to braid it and do all sorts of silly things to it. 

As I got older, I would make self-deprecating comments about my looks, and people would remark, “But you have such pretty hair!”  I don’t know if it was in direct rebellion to those comments, or a sort of passive-aggressive retaliation to my Dad’s [chauvinistic] opinion that women had to wear makeup and have long hair to be beautiful, but I just wanted to break out of that rut.  

My dad was mad when I cut my hair; he didn’t speak to me for a while.

Since then, I’ve experimented with different lengths.  When I got married, my hair was short (just like it was when Phil met me – *swoon*). 

Once you bite the bullet and cut all your hair off, pretty much anything goes. 

But I’ve grown it out a number of times, wanting to have long hair again.  

Every time I contemplate a change, though, I get that familiar knot in the pit of my stomach - What if I hate it?  What if people don’t like how I look?  What if my husband doesn’t think I’m beautiful?  I’ll be this way FOREVER!  

Despite always being fed up with my hair the longer it gets (it’s dry, frizzy, and I can’t wear it up because I get bad headaches), there’s always part of me that holds on to the idea of long hair.    

I wonder… what is it that makes some of us so attached to this accumulation of dead cells on our head?  What’s the big deal, anyway?  And does it really define who we are? 

Sometimes just dressing a certain way can make  you feel different - in a suit, you  might feel more polished, refined, professional; in a comfy pair of favorite jeans you may feel relaxed; in a lil’ black dress you may feel playful and sexy.  How does a certain haircut or hairstyle make you feel?  What does someone else’s style say to you?  There are many things that can make an impression, and I think someone’s hair can be one of them.  And it can definitely leave it’s impact on your self-perception.  

For instance – I often see short hair on a women as something that denotes self-confidence, strength… is it because she’s going against the social norm?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is why, the longer my hair gets, the more I think about cutting it short.  I blame my upbringing.

Though I’ve slowly been growing my hair out again, I began feeling that familiar itch recently.  

Out came the magazines, the narrowing down of ideas, and yesterday I once again bit the bullet.  I’m never fully satisfied with the outcome, but always manage to fix it when I get home.  Honestly, on the way home I was freaking out, wondering why the hell did I just do that?!  I’m having to get used to myself with short hair all over again. 

I always mourn the loss of my hair, and this time was no different.  I’ve been trying to figure out why that is – now that I have short hair, am I less of a woman?  That’s silly, and yet… I feel the need to wear more makeup, bigger earrings, to compensate.  I’m loving the ease of short hair, and it definitely feels fun.  And my head’s so light!  Though I may at times look in the mirror and criticize my hair, I try to remember, It’ll Grow Out. 

self-esteem

Our experiences shape us as individuals; I truly think we are a sum of our experiences. They may not “define” us, as we aren’t necessarily doomed or fated to fall in the steps of those before us or the examples that were set for us, but they have a huge say in who we are. I don’t think we should use them as an excuse or justification, but perhaps the mere knowledge of their affect on our lives can help us understand. To understand and accept that we act or react in a certain way, and that might differ from someone else because they have had a totally different past.

So saying, it’s only natural that our self-esteem will have a direct correlation with our childhood, our manner of upbringing, friends and family members, school, etc. I’ve always hated that psychologists seem to bring their patients back to childhood, in order to blame problems on the parents or some other person or place in time, rather than having the person take responsibility for his/her issues… but so much of our personality, our mindset, becomes ingrained during those formative years.

I can’t say for certain that the somewhat perfectionist attitude of my parents turned me into an anal, obsessive-compulsive individual who struggled with an eating disorder and who will never see herself as anywhere near “perfect” but always striving for something better. They always used to tell me “You’re the best, you can do anything,” blah blah blah. I suppose that was a great motivation, the fact that they acknowledged our worth and put so much faith in us… but I was so scared to disappoint. They never said I wasn’t good enough… but I always thought and still always think I’m NOT good enough. I’m very hard on myself; we’re on own worst critics, so They say, and I definitely own that saying.

Much of my low self-esteem stems from physical appearance. Yeah, that might be shallow, but I can’t help it. Factor in that I’ve never been popular with the boys and can’t seem to keep my own husband happy, and that just adds to the inner conflict. Nevermind that I don’t even make it close to the lower end of the scale on comparison with standards in society. Whether we like it or not, the media plays a huge part in how women view themselves. Just think of all the catalogues, magazines, movies, etc. Much of my turmoil comes from the fact that I can’t change certain aspects – it boils down to being born with a set of genes that no amount of diet and exercise will change. If I want to be happy, I have to just *accept* that this is the way I am… and that’s hard. That means that I’m not “the best” and I can’t “do anything I want;” I don’t have complete control over everything.

The other issue of low self-esteem stems from lack of personality. Hm… this sounds familiar. Much of this relates to your earlier topic, “Mirror, Mirror on the Web.” Perhaps I should just copy/paste? I won’t repeat myself. Let’s just leave it at a perceived inferior personality and lack of spiritual depth and maturity.

I have often felt that depression is relational, not necessarily chemical. There have been times when I’ve been so unhappy, I’ve seriously wanted to kill myself. I’ve even struggled with self-mutilation, but nowadays can talk myself out of it (if only not wanting to have to hide it from other people). I guess the real problem occurs when you’re so unhappy that you just can’t function and do everyday things, you can’t talk yourself out of it anymore. In any case… the things that have made me feel better were facing those things head on, trying to do something about it, instead of obsessing about the “what ifs.”

When I’m eating better and exercising and my clothes aren’t so tight, I feel healthy and productive. Surrounding myself with positive people and inspirational influences make a *huge* difference – friends, family, going to church. Even though we need to base our self-worth in God and what He says about us in His Word, it helps when we are surrounded by people who boost our spirits and make us feel loved. I’ve found that, when I’m in a loving, nurturing relationship, the other things (even my physical appearance!) suddenly aren’t so important. I feel safe, secure. These times have been few and far between, and I think of them as phases, but wonder if I shouldn’t feel that way all the time. It’s just not necessarily feasible in the human sense.

The older I get, the more things I discover at which I’m lacking. But you also gain knowledge, experience, and I’d like to think these things somehow balance themselves out. I believe that many of my “faults” are psychological in nature; it’s a big step acknowledging that, but training your mind to think differently is another story. I will never be perfect, and that’s fine, but I never seem to be content with where I’m at, who I am. I’m trying to look on the bright side. My “inner critic” will always be there, but I’m trying to drown it out with positive thinking.

I don’t know that those fears – the fear of growing up, the fear of success, the fear of excelling, (those two sound the same) and the fear of knowing – necessarily relate to self-esteem. Although I have to admit I relate to some of them. I don’t know that I fear growing up so much as I wish I didn’t have to. I often yearn for the carefree days of my youth when my parents took care of everything, when I was too naive to care what others thought. I enjoy doing something well, but hate when it’s automatically expected, or when I’m replaced by what I can do/provide instead of who I am as a person. It may seem inconsequential, and when I’ve pointed it out people don’t see the big deal… but since I like to bake goodies, people expect me to show up with a various selection of gourmet desserts or to have a bottomless cookie jar whenever they visit, nevermind the fact that I’m a busy individual and don’t have the time and money to slave over the oven every day. If they don’t see treats for a while, they think something is wrong with me. If I do turn out something, that immediately becomes the topic, nevermind how I’m doing or “it was nice to see you,” it’s “the pie was so good, can’t wait ’til next time when you bring the cake!” or whatever. And the fear of knowing for me mostly relates to things I know in my life need to be worked on – things about my attitude that need to be changed. I KNOW I need to be more accepting of my circumstances, I KNOW I need to be more loving despite my perceived hardships. I used to be afraid of knowing that my husband might not really love me… but now it comes down to acceptance. It doesn’t matter what someone else does to me, I’m responsible for my own actions; even though I may feel justified, I really have no right to treat someone else with less than with the love and grace God shows me. See – putting the knowledge into practice is hard, because it goes against our humanity.

inspired by fears departing

self-reflection

I have never been content with myself, on so many levels. The thing which often gets me most upset – when it’s really the one thing that I have no say over, to a certain extent, due to genes – is my physical appearance. I’ve struggled with low self-esteem largely due to a skewed opinion on how I look (and how I respond to eating certain, favorite, foods!). Sometimes I think I’m over-reacting and just need to get over myself and my idea of what I should look like, but other times it really bothers me and uses up so much of my time and energy obsessing. In order to affect much change in this area, I need to spend much of my time exercising, strategizing my meals (without spending too much money), find flattering clothes that fit (again, without spending too much money). It’s a continuous struggle for me, and if I didn’t have to deal with it so much space in my head, in my life, would be freed up. But there’s always something, isn’t there?

The second thing which bothers me to no end is my lack of personality. (pause) Well, maybe that’s a poor choice of words. I guess I just don’t like my personality in general. I’m rather quiet and shy, not the best in social situations. I think I’ve grown a lot in this area thanks to experiences in my life, so many people think I’m friendly (which I do think I am) and outgoing… when really I tend to get stressed and anxious about things involving people. Especially If I don’t know anyone – what will I talk about? I have a sense of humor, but I don’t always have some witty banter to throw around like some people. I don’t have an interesting “career,” so can’t really go anywhere with “what I do for a living” (and I don’t have the time and money to further my education right now). My marriage isn’t the best, with no [immediate] prospects for a family, so there’s not much to share in that respect… I pretty much have to make sure I keep the conversation focused on the other individual, and if it gets to me, I’m ashamed at my lack of substance. I feel the need to apologize for myself – oh, I just clean houses, nothing special; oh, I just went to high school, I didn’t go to college. *nods* Yup, I’m a loser. I think these things, and believe them.

Thirdly, but not necessarily last, is my spiritual depth and maturity. I grew up in a Christian home, so was brought up with certain beliefs. Sometimes growing up in that type of environment serves to strengthen your resolve, your faith – but I feel it may have hindered mine. I went to church (was sent to a Christian elementary school, homeschooled and later a Christian high school) and adhered to a specific mindset because my parents did, it’s what they taught me – I didn’t necessarily believe it for myself. There comes a point when you have to figure out what you believe for youself, and I feel I will *always* be at that point, forever searching, trying to figure out who I am and “what I want to be when I grow up.” There are things I do believe, but I’m not necessarily sure *why*. I couldn’t defend my beliefs or convince someone else they should join me, and that’s scary. I want to be passionate in my faith.

How do you change yourself without changing the things that make you special, unique? For instance, I hate the fact that I’m shy… but I also think it’s good to know when to be quiet, listen to other people. As they say, “it takes all kinds,” and it’s so true. Even though my limitations and perceived faults get me down, I have to remind myself that at least I’m not a cookie-cutter individual, and there are certain things about me that make me ME, that make me special. We are all blessed with different things, different talents.

One of the major ways people unfairly perceive me, is that because I’m shy/quiet, I’m either snobby or in a bad mood. People still throw it in my face, that I’m never in a good mood, just because I don’t always have something to say, or because there’s not a perpetual smile on my face. That just makes it worse, because there’s really nothing I can do about it and it just perpetuates the frustration. So I worry about not only the social situations, but now what people are thinking and perceiving!

I do have a tendency to get depressed about things, and oftentimes people will minimize my feelings. For example – about a certain someone paying too much attention to members of the opposite sex. In these instances, I’m expected to get over it, keep my ideas to myself. My mother especially gives me unrealistic and oftentimes unwarranted advice, expecting me to be perfect. Growing up, if I was ever unhappy about something, my father always used to say, “Just change your thinking! Be happy!” I agree many things are mostly psychological, but your feelings can’t stop and turn on a dime that easily. You can’t just DECIDE that you will now be happy. You can distract, divert, but not just change. Now, when I’m upset about something, I hear his words ringing in my head and I wish I could just cheer up…. but it’s not that easy.

On a slightly different note… people will try to tell me all the good things about me when I go through this list of things that I don’t like about myself. They’ll tell me – but you can cook and clean! Lots of people can’t do that! You have so many talents, you can carry a tune and decorate wedding cakes and make jewelry, yadda yadda yadda. I understand where they’re coming from, but I feel I only know how to do many things to a certain degree, I’m not proficient at any one thing. Yeah, I can carry a tune… but I don’t have a nice voice. Yeah, I can make wedding cakes… but I always need to get help from my mother regarding all the steps and my technique is severely limited. Some people try to tell my that I look good; my father used to say, “but you have such pretty hair!” I cut it all off. I understand that you need to look at the positive, look on the bright side – but oftentimes people just get carried away and don’t really help at all. Sometimes they say good things and I’m not in the right frame of mind to accept what they have to say, but much of the time I just don’t accept it – period – because I’m too fed up with my limitations.

I know I’m hard on myself at times; I don’t know that I’m a perfectionist, per say, though there have been some that call me “anal,” “obsessive-compulsive.” But there are times when I not hard enough! I would love to prove myself wrong, as it were, to grow and change and hopefully become a better person. Most of the time I just want to be rid of the OBSESSING over these things; even if the THINGS THEMSELVES didn’t go away, that would be fine.

inspired by fears departing