distant and detached

The Little House, by Philippa Gregory

I’m in the middle – or, rather, the first third or so – of reading this book. It’s kind of depressing so far, or at least giving a forboding premonition, so I’m not getting through it as quickly as I’d like. This morning I stumbled across an exchange to which I could somewhat relate.

The main character just had a baby, and it seems she’s experiencing something like post-partum depression. Her family is only making it worse, and she ends up going on anti-depressants. Unbeknownst to her, she starts overdosing, thinking she hasn’t taken her pills for that day yet – and then she starts to like how she feels when she pops ‘em.

In this exchange, she gets together with one of her former co-workers. He inquires after her health, general well-being, yadda yadda, and it seems to him she’s not being honest (in addition to the fact that she doesn’t look well). Basically, he doesn’t like the fact that she won’t open up to him, saying that it’s strange, it seems that she’s being distant. She replies:

“‘I do feel distant… I like feeling distant… D’you know I think this is how [my husband] feels all the time. I think [this anti-depressant] just makes women feel like men. It fits you for a man’s world. I love [my husband], and I love [my son], and I’d lay down my life for them. But if you asked me whether I’d rather go home and care for them, or go to work right now, I’d far rather go and do the job I’m good at with people who like me for what I am and not because I’m married to them, or gave birth to them… or married their son.’”

She goes on to explain further…

“‘It’s the pills… It’s how men are all the time. Most men would rather go to work than spend time at home, you know that. Men are detached and distant… once you’re married and the novelty has worn off, you will be [distant too].’”

*sigh*

I was like, ohmigod, this is [partly] us! Granted, we haven’t had a family… but I have to come home and do all these domestic things that never really get done because the food gets eaten up, the dishes get dirty, the laundry needs washing again, the floors need vacuuming… aarrrgh! I have to do these things that need to get done but really have no lasting value… and of course there’s no one there to appreciate it, or appreciate me for the doing of it. I like the fact that I have the capacity for certain emotions – but more often that not the feeling of them makes it worse.

Tired

Zelda’s Cut, by Philippa Gregory

I’m reading this book called Zelda’s Cut, by Philippa Gregory. It’s about this middle-aged, somewhat ordinary-looking, frumpy even, albeit intelligent women who is the author of equally intelligent novels. However, the publishers aren’t paying what they used to for her writing – the public demands something interesting, more cutting-edge. So, against her better judgement – and her pride – she creates a second identity based on her nom de plume and ends up becoming this person. When she reverts back to her old identity from time to time, she finds she has become dissatisfied with her life.

Last night while reading I came upon this paragraph, which I think describes me well. I’ve sort of thought of my feelings in these terms, but never quite worded it this way. (pause) One of the other characters in the story who is close to the main character notices that “[She's] tired.” Her reply:

“‘I’m unhappy. It’s different…’

‘It feels the same to me now,’ she said slowly. ‘Tiredness and unhappiness feel like the same thing now. I often feel as if I am tired, and of course I do work very hard; I work and I drive myself to work harder. But this feeling of weariness, of being beaten before I’m started, of having too much to do and no ability to do it all – this isn’t real tiredness at all. I know it because I feel the same when I wake up in the morning. Even if I sleep all night from ten at night till ten in the morning, I still wake up feeling tired. It’s not that I am tired out, it is that I am worn out. I’m not exhausted by effort, I am exhausted at the thought of effort. I don’t want the morning to come. I don’t want the day to start. I want to sleep the rest of my life away. If I could go to sleep and never wake up at all – I would.’”

Maybe that’s why I’m always tired.

smoosh post

Well, it seems there hasn’t been much to post about lately. Pretty sad when the last thing I had to say was my answers to the Friday Five. Arrrgh. Don’t get me wrong, there’s always something going on in my life… but I don’t feel the obsessive need to tell my… my one reader all the sordid details. Hehe – sordid. (pause) Then time goes by, and I just don’t feel like dredging up all the details.

Well, I guess I’ll just smoosh a whole bunch of stuff together into one entry, instead of cleverly arranging my tidings into aptly-named entries. That’s just too much work for me right now. And I can’t believe I haven’t given so much as a thought to Christmas shopping! Until now, that is…

Well, today I got my kitties fixed. There was NO possible way I was taking them to my regular vet, not after they charged me $80 to check their eyes. Good grief. It was $65 for each cat at the discount spay/neuter shelter right here in town, and I saved up my cleaning money for a month. It was so hard not to spend it! I had to take some ones out for the Newport bridge though – hehe, Nikki. I’m so poor (relatively speaking, of course – the “luxuries,” you understand)!

Anyhoo… I filled out a form for each cat this morning, and when I brought them to the mobile vet trailer and handed them the cat carriers, the vet came out and said – your cats are both GIRLS. HUH?!?! Now, in case you don’t recall the continuing cat saga – when I first got the cats from the shelter, I was told they were both boys; my vet FELT THEM BOTH UP and said that one of them was in fact a girl (hence the name change, and the added exclamation: great! – now I have to worry about them gettin’ jiggy with it… or is that a reference to drugs?); now they’re both girls?! Needless to say, I was confused… and told the guy as much. I mentioned the little tidbit about my vet, and he said, “I’d like to know what she was feeling.” HA! Well, he did in fact work on their reproductive organs today, so I guess his word is gospel, as far as I’m concerned. So there you have it: I have two female cats!

The poor little things. They were tired and somewhat woozy, and their bums were slightly swaying as they walked… and kind of close to the ground. Very tentative. Whenever they tried to jump up, they kept falling down because they weren’t strong enough to pull themselves up – it was so endearing, and they were so confused as to why they couldn’t get up on the couch when they do it every day! At least my counters will get some peace tonight. *sigh* Their lower bellies are shaved – so cute! When I brought them home they kept sitting, hunched over, licking themselves… and falling asleep in that position! I wish I had the digital camera handy. Petra is currently sleeping under the covers – she doesn’t usually do that, but she seems cold and fragile this evening. [Stinky] Twinkie slept in my lap a good portion of the afternoon – I was in my element. I LOVE when the cats sit in my lap. Needless to say, it’s very quiet around here – and it’s nice for a change.

We had a high school “reunion,” if you can call it that. I keep feeling the need to use the quotes, even in my head. A bunch of old classmates got together – but it wasn’t by any means large scale. That’s fine, though. I went with Nichole and Micah because I didn’t know where the place was, didn’t know if Dan was going, and wanted to go with friends anyway. We were late because we had to run errands and – ironically – couldn’t find the place. Hehe. But all in all I had a great time – I was nervous at first, but managed to keep up conversations with a number of people. Wow, sometimes it just hits you how fast time is going and how old you really are! And of course… how little you (by that I mean “I”) have accomplished. *sigh* I ended up getting to bed after two in the morning, and totally sleeping all Sunday morning. Here are some pictures I took; Nikki has some better ones.

Ooh, on Thursday of last week Mom and I went to Becky’s Pampered Chef party. I had a great time, even after I realized I was the only one who didn’t know everyone else. Hehe. I finally got to meet Bugaboo (beautiful, if not totally spaz-tic, Bengal – didn’t get to see his cuddly side), Katherine (what gorgeous hair! And she totally looks like Matthew), and the Miller’s gorgeous pad (I love the green walls, candles… and of course tassels galore!). Not to mention – the Pampered Chef demonstration was fun, educational, and extremely yummy!

In other news: I am FINALLY getting a treadmill! I am SO excited. I’ve been extremely depressed about my expanding girth in unwelcome areas, and have been wanting a treadmill for ages. I could totally exercise for two hours while watching a movie – but can’t seem to just stand in front of the TV following an exercise DVD for an hour. And the weather hasn’t been the greatest for going outdoors. Keeping my fingers crossed that the excitement won’t wear off… and that I’ll be able to find a place to store it when I’m not using it.

Well, Thanksgiving approaches – and I’m having the whole gang over here. Woo-hoo. I’m looking forward to our tradition of telling what we’re thankful for – I’ll have to give that some thought. What are YOU thankful for? Have any unique holiday traditions? Eat anything besides turkey and cranberry sauce? God, I love food. *sigh*

Encouraging Verses

The other day I was stuck on the highway in traffic – AGAIN! – and I spotted a tractor trailer truck. The company name was “something Wind,” and on the upper corner of the door was this verse:

Isaiah 40:31
But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I’ve always loved 40:28-31; there’s actually a song based on that passage.

This morning at church, we had a dedication service for our new church building. We’re not currently members, but have been attending for a few years. It used to be New Song Christian Fellowship, but they more recently changed the name to Christian Hill Community Church (really interesting background story, but I digress) – they have a website, if you’re interested.

Anyhoo, during part of the power point message they had this verse displayed, and I jotted it down:

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.